On August 3rd the members of the school board voted to terminate teachers under the No Child Left Behind Act of being Highly Qualified. i wont go into detail about that but will explain every thing else.
For several months now I have questioned if being a teacher was really my calling and if so why is this so difficult for me to get past. Why had I not been able to pass this test? Had I really missed my calling? Had I done something so bad that would cause this to happen? What am I being punished for? These are the questions that would haunt my thought every day and every night. Sleep had become an enemy and I would lie awake for hours wondering what I would do and how I would get past this. I would sometime cry myself to sleep if I fell asleep and wake up the next morning feeling confused, lost and empty. I had talked with a number of people about me keeping my job but no one was willing to help. By the end of July I was over the point of wow is me, because I at that point had done all that I knew I could do. I was now more concerned for my students. (By no means am I saying I was the best teacher.) I was concerned in that aspect of who would they trust, who would be there for them and fight for them, who would guide them not only through school but assist with guiding them through life, who would show the concern to ask are you ok/do you need to talk. My heart just broke into a million pieces because I knew it would take a long time for the students to trust like that again. I loved my students as if they were my own children and would do my best to care for them the way a mother would care for her children. I wasn't always successful with this but one thing my students knew what that I loved them and would do what I could to help them. I miss them so.
The first day of school was a very hard day in that I knew my former students would have questions about where I was and they would not get the complete truth. Who was going to teach my student math and care about what they were learning and provide them with what they needed to better themselves as students and individuals. This past Saturday afternoon I ran into one of my students and she came up to me and gave me a big hug and asked where I was that she had looked all over the school for me. I briefly explained as much as I could and the reaction was heart breaking. She was mad I was no longer there and told me she missed me. Holding back the tears I told her that I missed her and everyone else and to tell them all hello. She gave me another hug before she walked away and as she walked away I took a big deep breathe and said "I am suppose to be teaching, this is what I am meant to be doing." At this point I refuse to allow some man/law tell me I cant do what I was called to do. I havea hurdle to jump and eventually I will jump it and get past this.
To my students if you ever read this:
I am so sorry I am not there to take you by the hand and guide you through math. It was not my choice to leave and if I could I would be there tomorrow. I will try my best to come see you but know that it will be hard to see you knowing that I can't teach you. I am and will always be here for you if you need anything. I ask others about you daily and only hope that you will one day understand how much I care about you. I hope to one day be able to brag that you were once my student and look at the success and that you have accomplished. I wont give up if you wont give up. Forever your teacher!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Never Let Go!
Back in June I wrote a post about letting someone very dear to me go and telling them goodbye forever. Well, to this day as much as I have thought about it, I have never been able to bring myself to letting go. I have asked the question of why I can't let go. We go for weeks without talking but when we finally talk, it is like no time has ever passed by. I do believe there is a reason why I have never truly let go completely and why he has never let go either. Here is why.
Do you believe that people have such a connection with someone that they can sense when something is wrong? I do believe that because over the past several years when they have been on my mind it usually means something has happens and when I do talk to them I hear all about what good or bad thing that have happened. This past weekend I had a funeral, which was the second one within a month, and I do not do well at funerals either. After the funeral I get a text asking if I was ok, now I have not talked to them in almost a month and on this day to have them text me meant a lot to me. Now, to me, this proves there is a connection because they sensed something was going on. Once I was able to explain the events that had happened I realized that I didn't say goodbye because we have a connection to each other. I am grateful I didn't because this is a relationship/friendship that will last a life time. I do consider myself to be blessed for having them in my life and for them being there for me. I guess just like in the marriage vows "for better or worse" well I think this should be vows for friendship as well. I have always believe that your spouse should be your best friend, maybe one day this will turn into my spouse and my best friend. He is already my best friend.
I looked up the definition of friend and it described us to a tee, then I looked up the definition of love and although it doesn't fit every aspect of us we do love each other unconditionally and do not hold anything against each other. I accept him just the way he is and he the same with me. Will it turn into a committed relationship, who knows but I do know that it is a life long friend that I will not say goodbye to. I love you and always will. Thank you for who you are and for being my forever friend!
Do you believe that people have such a connection with someone that they can sense when something is wrong? I do believe that because over the past several years when they have been on my mind it usually means something has happens and when I do talk to them I hear all about what good or bad thing that have happened. This past weekend I had a funeral, which was the second one within a month, and I do not do well at funerals either. After the funeral I get a text asking if I was ok, now I have not talked to them in almost a month and on this day to have them text me meant a lot to me. Now, to me, this proves there is a connection because they sensed something was going on. Once I was able to explain the events that had happened I realized that I didn't say goodbye because we have a connection to each other. I am grateful I didn't because this is a relationship/friendship that will last a life time. I do consider myself to be blessed for having them in my life and for them being there for me. I guess just like in the marriage vows "for better or worse" well I think this should be vows for friendship as well. I have always believe that your spouse should be your best friend, maybe one day this will turn into my spouse and my best friend. He is already my best friend.
I looked up the definition of friend and it described us to a tee, then I looked up the definition of love and although it doesn't fit every aspect of us we do love each other unconditionally and do not hold anything against each other. I accept him just the way he is and he the same with me. Will it turn into a committed relationship, who knows but I do know that it is a life long friend that I will not say goodbye to. I love you and always will. Thank you for who you are and for being my forever friend!
Friday, July 2, 2010
What, How, When: Now What?
Well, where do I start? I was notified a while back about a new law that came into play that requires I be certified in general academic area. Now I have a four year degree; graduated from UNF with a Bachelors in Special Education. I teach students with learning disabilities and have now for 6 years. However, I teach a math subject and because this is a core academic subject I have to be certified now in that academic. Here is the kicker, my students are not even at that academic level or will graduate with a standard diploma. This makes no sense. Oh, here is something that makes even less sense. This law came into effect in 2002 and Duval County waited until 2004 to start to do anything about it. When they started this I was in my first year of teaching and those teachers already teaching were given (grandfathering) a HOUSSE plan which gave the the Highly Qualified status. Now, in my fifth year of teaching (last march) I was notified of this and started working towards becoming HQ. I took two different tests and for the life of me have not been able to pass them. I have purchased books, met with a tutor, gone online and done tutorials online, printed off worksheets online, purchased study guides from the Department of Education and still have not passed. I am so frustrated at this point.
I feel like I am caught in this valley and I am so deep that I do not know how to begin to climb out. I think about the amount of money that I have spent so far and it makes me sick to my stomach. How can you terminate someone that loves what they do, that loves their students? I do not understand! I am by no means the best teacher but I definitely am not the worst either. I felt I was making progress with my students both personally and academically. I see the lack of consistency they have in their lives already with parents leaving them, friends leaving and just having no one there to care for them. Now here I am in this situation that will not be returning and they have been given no explanation as to why. I wont be able to tell them listen, this is what is happening and I am being forced to leave, it is not my choice but someones choice for me. I don't know which hurts worst; the idea of not having a job or the idea of my students being upset with me because they do not understand why I wont be there. It breaks my heart.
We say we do things for the betterment of students, but really how is this bettering our students. Please do not get me wrong when I say this but I am a good teacher and if you would come into my room and watch what goes on on a daily basis you would say "we do not need to worry about this lady and the test, she has this and her students are learning." Nope, instead they are going to sit in their nice office upfront or downtown and never come in to see what I do with my students. They are not going to know that I am not only a teacher but a counselor, a friend, a confidante, their cheerleader, their support group, sometimes I even have been the parent, academic advisor, and nurse. Teaching is not a 9-5 job where you can pack your things up at the end of the day and forget about it until the next day, no those of us that care about our students worry about them when they leave us, how are they going to get home, what will they eat for dinner, who will wash their clothes, will they get beaten up at home or on the streets. I cant begin to tell you the stories of my students over the years and it seems to only get worse. Oh not to toot my own horn but did I mention we sometimes provide the necessities of life as well, food, clothing and money. Well, those are just a few of the things I have done but yet because I do not have an extra piece of paper you want to terminate me. Ok! Then you come in and do what has been done and deal with what needs to be dealt with. Go ahead, support that students whose best friend was killed, counsel that girl that just found out she is pregnant and doesn't know how to tell her parents, explain to that student how for their safety you had to call DCF on the moms boyfriend because he beat the student up and the student is being removed from the home, explain to that student how they are being moved from one foster home to another and why the first home took all of their clothes, explain to that child why they cant live out on the streets, explain to that student why they were abandoned, explain to that student why his Dad refuses to look at him or has nothing to do with him. Yeah, it is hard but I loved what I did and I loved my students. I strive to make a difference. Yeah, I was told that I was never going to reach all of my students but I sure was going to try my best to reach all of them. If I made a difference in one of my students lives then I guess I did my job. I surely do not want to leave it at that, I want to continue, I want to make an impact in the lives of students. I believe that I was truly placed here to do what i am doing, this is my calling but man is making this calling impossible.
So, here is what I ask: Why haven't I been able to pass these tests? What is it that is keeping me from this? If this is my calling then why is it so difficult? What have I done that has caused this to happen? Is this really what I am suppose to be doing? God why are you putting me in this situation? Why am I having a hard time resting in know that things will work out, that you are in control? I want to understand but yet I am scared to see the bigger picture. Every one says that something better will come along, how will it come and when? I just want to know that in August when school starts back that I will be teaching and that all of this will be behind me. Jeremiah 29:11; God do you really have a plan? How will this work out? Can man screw up the plan that God has, either me personally or someone else? Proverbs 3:4-5 tells me to trust Him and he will direct my paths, where is this path taking me, I thought I was on the path you wanted me on, but now I have been taken off path? I am not trying to understand this on my own, I know I can't do this alone, but when I have asked for your help I feel as though I have hit a brick wall. I know I am not alone but it sure feels that way. I call out but I feel like all I hear is my echo, God won't you show me what to do or where to go, or how I am suppose to get through this?
I NEED YOUR HELP!
I feel like I am caught in this valley and I am so deep that I do not know how to begin to climb out. I think about the amount of money that I have spent so far and it makes me sick to my stomach. How can you terminate someone that loves what they do, that loves their students? I do not understand! I am by no means the best teacher but I definitely am not the worst either. I felt I was making progress with my students both personally and academically. I see the lack of consistency they have in their lives already with parents leaving them, friends leaving and just having no one there to care for them. Now here I am in this situation that will not be returning and they have been given no explanation as to why. I wont be able to tell them listen, this is what is happening and I am being forced to leave, it is not my choice but someones choice for me. I don't know which hurts worst; the idea of not having a job or the idea of my students being upset with me because they do not understand why I wont be there. It breaks my heart.
We say we do things for the betterment of students, but really how is this bettering our students. Please do not get me wrong when I say this but I am a good teacher and if you would come into my room and watch what goes on on a daily basis you would say "we do not need to worry about this lady and the test, she has this and her students are learning." Nope, instead they are going to sit in their nice office upfront or downtown and never come in to see what I do with my students. They are not going to know that I am not only a teacher but a counselor, a friend, a confidante, their cheerleader, their support group, sometimes I even have been the parent, academic advisor, and nurse. Teaching is not a 9-5 job where you can pack your things up at the end of the day and forget about it until the next day, no those of us that care about our students worry about them when they leave us, how are they going to get home, what will they eat for dinner, who will wash their clothes, will they get beaten up at home or on the streets. I cant begin to tell you the stories of my students over the years and it seems to only get worse. Oh not to toot my own horn but did I mention we sometimes provide the necessities of life as well, food, clothing and money. Well, those are just a few of the things I have done but yet because I do not have an extra piece of paper you want to terminate me. Ok! Then you come in and do what has been done and deal with what needs to be dealt with. Go ahead, support that students whose best friend was killed, counsel that girl that just found out she is pregnant and doesn't know how to tell her parents, explain to that student how for their safety you had to call DCF on the moms boyfriend because he beat the student up and the student is being removed from the home, explain to that student how they are being moved from one foster home to another and why the first home took all of their clothes, explain to that child why they cant live out on the streets, explain to that student why they were abandoned, explain to that student why his Dad refuses to look at him or has nothing to do with him. Yeah, it is hard but I loved what I did and I loved my students. I strive to make a difference. Yeah, I was told that I was never going to reach all of my students but I sure was going to try my best to reach all of them. If I made a difference in one of my students lives then I guess I did my job. I surely do not want to leave it at that, I want to continue, I want to make an impact in the lives of students. I believe that I was truly placed here to do what i am doing, this is my calling but man is making this calling impossible.
So, here is what I ask: Why haven't I been able to pass these tests? What is it that is keeping me from this? If this is my calling then why is it so difficult? What have I done that has caused this to happen? Is this really what I am suppose to be doing? God why are you putting me in this situation? Why am I having a hard time resting in know that things will work out, that you are in control? I want to understand but yet I am scared to see the bigger picture. Every one says that something better will come along, how will it come and when? I just want to know that in August when school starts back that I will be teaching and that all of this will be behind me. Jeremiah 29:11; God do you really have a plan? How will this work out? Can man screw up the plan that God has, either me personally or someone else? Proverbs 3:4-5 tells me to trust Him and he will direct my paths, where is this path taking me, I thought I was on the path you wanted me on, but now I have been taken off path? I am not trying to understand this on my own, I know I can't do this alone, but when I have asked for your help I feel as though I have hit a brick wall. I know I am not alone but it sure feels that way. I call out but I feel like all I hear is my echo, God won't you show me what to do or where to go, or how I am suppose to get through this?
I NEED YOUR HELP!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Letting Go
I never thought I would ever say goodbye but I am feeling more and more like this is what I have to do. I know this is not what I want but at the same time it fits. I deserve more! Please do not take that statement as me being conceited but I deserve someone that will be there for me and want to spend time with me. You say "I love you" but the actions do not back up what you say. Maybe this is convenient for both of us, or maybe you know that no matter what I will always be there for you. Well, to a point that is true, I would be there for you no matter what and with no strings attached. I know how I feel about you and when I say " I love you" I mean with ounce of my being and unconditionally. I do believe that you are better than what people have ever said about you. You have a heart like no other but for some reason it has become hard and cold and you keep people at a distance. Maybe I should say when you are ready to be loved the way you deserve to be loved and can love completely in return then I will be there. I would say that I would wait for you forever because I have waited for you for quit some time now but I cant, I just don't think this is what is suppose to happen. I know you are probably wondering why I am saying all of this and that you would be the one to walk away from me but it is time I let you go completely. I know you will probably not be hurt from this but I will be. It will take time but eventually I will get past this. I hope one day you will look back a realize what we could have been and how good things could have been. There will be things that I do that I will think of you and when that happens I hope that I come to your mind. I hope that you will miss me as much as I will miss you. I hope that there will be some remorse in you about how all of this has turned out. I don't want to let go but I know I have to do this because I can't hold on forever to something that will not be there completely. I don't think it will be there completely for you with any one ever.
You know that I have and would always love you unconditionally and would make you happy.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER!
GOODBYE!
You know that I have and would always love you unconditionally and would make you happy.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER!
GOODBYE!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Plan B but God's got Plan A
I just watched a video about a couple who had lost their child and a book called Plan B by Pete Wilson. Now, I haven't read the book yet but from the messages I have heard and the pieces of the book I have heard here and there I am sure it is a great eye opening, life evaluating book. As I type out this blog I think; does God have a plan B or was this the plan from the get go and I just put in place things that I wanted. Here is where I am going with this.
You see, I am a teacher and I have a test that will determine my job for next year, if I pass the test I keep my job, if I do not pass the test then come June 30th I will be terminated. So, here is what I think. Please don't get me wrong I absolutely love teaching and I love my students; yes even the ones that are or can be ill behaved. I think sometimes why I haven't passed the test I my only response has been because I am stupid. Well, maybe but after this video I am thinking of Plan B maybe this wasn't what God had in-store for me in the first place and I just took a detour of what I wanted to do. Finally God maybe saying "Jenny, you have done what you wanted and I have let you but now Plan B which was really my Plan A needs to come to fruition. I think I have said it before but I do not think I really meant it but I have said "God I need your help and whatever your will" but today I say "God if this isn't your plan A then show me and allow me to have peace with this to know you will take care of me no matter what the results". I do know that you will take care of me and provide for me as you always have, my biggest thing is I need to trust you to the utmost extinct and not think or rely on myself because obviously I will screw everything up. God stand beside me, hold my hand and give me your Plan A and never allow me to look back. I need you more than I have never realized before. I know in the end this will be a lesson learned and I pray that when the lesson is learned you will get the praise and glory from it because you are not a coincidental God but a God of purpose and from the beginning you have had a plan for my life. I want to grab hold of your plan and not mine. I want to walk in your footsteps every step of the way allowing your guidance and your steps to place me where you want me.
Jeremiah 29:11"for I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not harm you and plans to give you hope and a future."
You see, I am a teacher and I have a test that will determine my job for next year, if I pass the test I keep my job, if I do not pass the test then come June 30th I will be terminated. So, here is what I think. Please don't get me wrong I absolutely love teaching and I love my students; yes even the ones that are or can be ill behaved. I think sometimes why I haven't passed the test I my only response has been because I am stupid. Well, maybe but after this video I am thinking of Plan B maybe this wasn't what God had in-store for me in the first place and I just took a detour of what I wanted to do. Finally God maybe saying "Jenny, you have done what you wanted and I have let you but now Plan B which was really my Plan A needs to come to fruition. I think I have said it before but I do not think I really meant it but I have said "God I need your help and whatever your will" but today I say "God if this isn't your plan A then show me and allow me to have peace with this to know you will take care of me no matter what the results". I do know that you will take care of me and provide for me as you always have, my biggest thing is I need to trust you to the utmost extinct and not think or rely on myself because obviously I will screw everything up. God stand beside me, hold my hand and give me your Plan A and never allow me to look back. I need you more than I have never realized before. I know in the end this will be a lesson learned and I pray that when the lesson is learned you will get the praise and glory from it because you are not a coincidental God but a God of purpose and from the beginning you have had a plan for my life. I want to grab hold of your plan and not mine. I want to walk in your footsteps every step of the way allowing your guidance and your steps to place me where you want me.
Jeremiah 29:11"for I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not harm you and plans to give you hope and a future."
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Heart broken!
It has been a while since I last blogged and have wanted to for some time now. So, here I am back at it.
Today as I sit in-front of this computer my heart aches for several different reasons. Where do I begin? I will start with the feeling of being helpless. A while back, maybe two years ago, I got some news about a friend of mine and for the past 8months or so it has been heavy on my heart. I don't know what to say, or even what to do, I just want to fix everything and make it ok. I feel helpless and I don't like this feeling. I have recently thought about joining a group to raise money and have since started the effort/process. I want to visit my friend but I don't want to break down when I see him, I know myself all to well. I know what I have to but I need the comfort and peace of the Father to dwell within me to get through it. How do I help, how do I let him and his family know that I am here for what ever they need? I wish I had millions of trillions of dollars to fix this, to give to them, or whatever is needed. I know money is not the answer but right now I do know it would and could help. If you read this please pray for my friend and the family.
My next person on my heart is friend's mother who was diagnosed with cancer. Yesterday she went through surgery. I do not know a lot of details other than she pulled through surgery and will be in the hospital a few days. I do not like to see my friend or any one for that matter deal with such sickness. Please keep her and her family in your prayers as well. Taylor family.
Third, I found out some information that maybe I shouldnt have. I would like to be a person that never places judgement on anyone for things they have done whether past or present. God excepted me just the way I am and I hope that I am able to be as accepting as God is towards me. I really want to reach out to this person and show them the love that Christ has shown me. I know that this person needs to come back to church and I have since extended the invitation to him and I can only pray that God will bring him back to worship. We all make mistakes in life and fall hard but our heavenly Father is right there to pick us up and dust us off and hold our hands through it all never ever saying what a horrible person we are, or how could we, or what were you thinking, and he never turns his back and just walks away. Instead he extends his hand shows us unconditional love and acceptance. Why is it so hard for us to not judge others and accept them for who they are and not what they do or did? Unconditional love is what I want him to see and experience.
Lastly, just when I think all is good and possible; I let my guard down thinking it would all be ok. Wow, was I wrong. So many emotions that I had suppressed for a little while are now right back in my face. So, here is the story in short. being stood up is a horrible feeling. My first thought was, is he ok? Then I allowed my anger to build and I just want to yell but then my heart comes into play and it starts to hurt. When I finally hear something and know that he is ok, I then have the thoughts of what is wrong with me, did I say or do something wrong, did I misunderstand what was said, red into something that wasnt there. Oh well, maybe I should just go back to being me and not worrying about anything else. The past few weeks, closer to a month now, I keep hearing the verse in Genesis where God says it is not good for Adam to be allow and he created Eve to be with Adam. I know this but it is still hard to be patient. I am reminded of everything that I learned while going through the study of Esther. It is all about God's timing and him knowing what is right and when it is right. I know through all of this I am learning patience, and to trust God but there are times when I know I am weak and I just want to scream out, why?! One day I will have the answers but only when God is ready to reveal them to me.
In looking back at every thing I have just mentioned I know there is a plan for each and every life. The hard part is being able to share with everyone that there is a lesson learned from all of this, even in sickness. Showing people how to have faith and trust that God is in control is probably harder than any thing else. So, if you are reading this I have a list of prayer requests.
Healing from cancer and ALS
Peace, Comfort, Grace, Love
Acceptance
Patience
wisdom
faith
boldness
courage
letting go
work-test (personally for me)
Today as I sit in-front of this computer my heart aches for several different reasons. Where do I begin? I will start with the feeling of being helpless. A while back, maybe two years ago, I got some news about a friend of mine and for the past 8months or so it has been heavy on my heart. I don't know what to say, or even what to do, I just want to fix everything and make it ok. I feel helpless and I don't like this feeling. I have recently thought about joining a group to raise money and have since started the effort/process. I want to visit my friend but I don't want to break down when I see him, I know myself all to well. I know what I have to but I need the comfort and peace of the Father to dwell within me to get through it. How do I help, how do I let him and his family know that I am here for what ever they need? I wish I had millions of trillions of dollars to fix this, to give to them, or whatever is needed. I know money is not the answer but right now I do know it would and could help. If you read this please pray for my friend and the family.
My next person on my heart is friend's mother who was diagnosed with cancer. Yesterday she went through surgery. I do not know a lot of details other than she pulled through surgery and will be in the hospital a few days. I do not like to see my friend or any one for that matter deal with such sickness. Please keep her and her family in your prayers as well. Taylor family.
Third, I found out some information that maybe I shouldnt have. I would like to be a person that never places judgement on anyone for things they have done whether past or present. God excepted me just the way I am and I hope that I am able to be as accepting as God is towards me. I really want to reach out to this person and show them the love that Christ has shown me. I know that this person needs to come back to church and I have since extended the invitation to him and I can only pray that God will bring him back to worship. We all make mistakes in life and fall hard but our heavenly Father is right there to pick us up and dust us off and hold our hands through it all never ever saying what a horrible person we are, or how could we, or what were you thinking, and he never turns his back and just walks away. Instead he extends his hand shows us unconditional love and acceptance. Why is it so hard for us to not judge others and accept them for who they are and not what they do or did? Unconditional love is what I want him to see and experience.
Lastly, just when I think all is good and possible; I let my guard down thinking it would all be ok. Wow, was I wrong. So many emotions that I had suppressed for a little while are now right back in my face. So, here is the story in short. being stood up is a horrible feeling. My first thought was, is he ok? Then I allowed my anger to build and I just want to yell but then my heart comes into play and it starts to hurt. When I finally hear something and know that he is ok, I then have the thoughts of what is wrong with me, did I say or do something wrong, did I misunderstand what was said, red into something that wasnt there. Oh well, maybe I should just go back to being me and not worrying about anything else. The past few weeks, closer to a month now, I keep hearing the verse in Genesis where God says it is not good for Adam to be allow and he created Eve to be with Adam. I know this but it is still hard to be patient. I am reminded of everything that I learned while going through the study of Esther. It is all about God's timing and him knowing what is right and when it is right. I know through all of this I am learning patience, and to trust God but there are times when I know I am weak and I just want to scream out, why?! One day I will have the answers but only when God is ready to reveal them to me.
In looking back at every thing I have just mentioned I know there is a plan for each and every life. The hard part is being able to share with everyone that there is a lesson learned from all of this, even in sickness. Showing people how to have faith and trust that God is in control is probably harder than any thing else. So, if you are reading this I have a list of prayer requests.
Healing from cancer and ALS
Peace, Comfort, Grace, Love
Acceptance
Patience
wisdom
faith
boldness
courage
letting go
work-test (personally for me)
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