Termination

On August 3rd the members of the school board voted to terminate teachers under the No Child Left Behind Act of being Highly Qualified. i wont go into detail about that but will explain every thing else.

For several months now I have questioned if being a teacher was really my calling and if so why is this so difficult for me to get past. Why had I not been able to pass this test? Had I really missed my calling? Had I done something so bad that would cause this to happen? What am I being punished for? These are the questions that would haunt my thought every day and every night. Sleep had become an enemy and I would lie awake for hours wondering what I would do and how I would get past this. I would sometime cry myself to sleep if I fell asleep and wake up the next morning feeling confused, lost and empty. I had talked with a number of people about me keeping my job but no one was willing to help. By the end of July I was over the point of wow is me, because I at that point had done all that I knew I could do. I was now more concerned for my students. (By no means am I saying I was the best teacher.) I was concerned in that aspect of who would they trust, who would be there for them and fight for them, who would guide them not only through school but assist with guiding them through life, who would show the concern to ask are you ok/do you need to talk. My heart just broke into a million pieces because I knew it would take a long time for the students to trust like that again. I loved my students as if they were my own children and would do my best to care for them the way a mother would care for her children. I wasn't always successful with this but one thing my students knew what that I loved them and would do what I could to help them. I miss them so.

The first day of school was a very hard day in that I knew my former students would have questions about where I was and they would not get the complete truth. Who was going to teach my student math and care about what they were learning and provide them with what they needed to better themselves as students and individuals. This past Saturday afternoon I ran into one of my students and she came up to me and gave me a big hug and asked where I was that she had looked all over the school for me. I briefly explained as much as I could and the reaction was heart breaking. She was mad I was no longer there and told me she missed me. Holding back the tears I told her that I missed her and everyone else and to tell them all hello. She gave me another hug before she walked away and as she walked away I took a big deep breathe and said "I am suppose to be teaching, this is what I am meant to be doing." At this point I refuse to allow some man/law tell me I cant do what I was called to do. I havea hurdle to jump and eventually I will jump it and get past this.

To my students if you ever read this:
I am so sorry I am not there to take you by the hand and guide you through math. It was not my choice to leave and if I could I would be there tomorrow. I will try my best to come see you but know that it will be hard to see you knowing that I can't teach you. I am and will always be here for you if you need anything. I ask others about you daily and only hope that you will one day understand how much I care about you. I hope to one day be able to brag that you were once my student and look at the success and that you have accomplished. I wont give up if you wont give up. Forever your teacher!

Never Let Go!

Back in June I wrote a post about letting someone very dear to me go and telling them goodbye forever. Well, to this day as much as I have thought about it, I have never been able to bring myself to letting go. I have asked the question of why I can't let go. We go for weeks without talking but when we finally talk, it is like no time has ever passed by. I do believe there is a reason why I have never truly let go completely and why he has never let go either. Here is why.

Do you believe that people have such a connection with someone that they can sense when something is wrong? I do believe that because over the past several years when they have been on my mind it usually means something has happens and when I do talk to them I hear all about what good or bad thing that have happened. This past weekend I had a funeral, which was the second one within a month, and I do not do well at funerals either. After the funeral I get a text asking if I was ok, now I have not talked to them in almost a month and on this day to have them text me meant a lot to me. Now, to me, this proves there is a connection because they sensed something was going on. Once I was able to explain the events that had happened I realized that I didn't say goodbye because we have a connection to each other. I am grateful I didn't because this is a relationship/friendship that will last a life time. I do consider myself to be blessed for having them in my life and for them being there for me. I guess just like in the marriage vows "for better or worse" well I think this should be vows for friendship as well. I have always believe that your spouse should be your best friend, maybe one day this will turn into my spouse and my best friend. He is already my best friend.

I looked up the definition of friend and it described us to a tee, then I looked up the definition of love and although it doesn't fit every aspect of us we do love each other unconditionally and do not hold anything against each other. I accept him just the way he is and he the same with me. Will it turn into a committed relationship, who knows but I do know that it is a life long friend that I will not say goodbye to. I love you and always will. Thank you for who you are and for being my forever friend!