Well, where do I start? I was notified a while back about a new law that came into play that requires I be certified in general academic area. Now I have a four year degree; graduated from UNF with a Bachelors in Special Education. I teach students with learning disabilities and have now for 6 years. However, I teach a math subject and because this is a core academic subject I have to be certified now in that academic. Here is the kicker, my students are not even at that academic level or will graduate with a standard diploma. This makes no sense. Oh, here is something that makes even less sense. This law came into effect in 2002 and Duval County waited until 2004 to start to do anything about it. When they started this I was in my first year of teaching and those teachers already teaching were given (grandfathering) a HOUSSE plan which gave the the Highly Qualified status. Now, in my fifth year of teaching (last march) I was notified of this and started working towards becoming HQ. I took two different tests and for the life of me have not been able to pass them. I have purchased books, met with a tutor, gone online and done tutorials online, printed off worksheets online, purchased study guides from the Department of Education and still have not passed. I am so frustrated at this point.
I feel like I am caught in this valley and I am so deep that I do not know how to begin to climb out. I think about the amount of money that I have spent so far and it makes me sick to my stomach. How can you terminate someone that loves what they do, that loves their students? I do not understand! I am by no means the best teacher but I definitely am not the worst either. I felt I was making progress with my students both personally and academically. I see the lack of consistency they have in their lives already with parents leaving them, friends leaving and just having no one there to care for them. Now here I am in this situation that will not be returning and they have been given no explanation as to why. I wont be able to tell them listen, this is what is happening and I am being forced to leave, it is not my choice but someones choice for me. I don't know which hurts worst; the idea of not having a job or the idea of my students being upset with me because they do not understand why I wont be there. It breaks my heart.
We say we do things for the betterment of students, but really how is this bettering our students. Please do not get me wrong when I say this but I am a good teacher and if you would come into my room and watch what goes on on a daily basis you would say "we do not need to worry about this lady and the test, she has this and her students are learning." Nope, instead they are going to sit in their nice office upfront or downtown and never come in to see what I do with my students. They are not going to know that I am not only a teacher but a counselor, a friend, a confidante, their cheerleader, their support group, sometimes I even have been the parent, academic advisor, and nurse. Teaching is not a 9-5 job where you can pack your things up at the end of the day and forget about it until the next day, no those of us that care about our students worry about them when they leave us, how are they going to get home, what will they eat for dinner, who will wash their clothes, will they get beaten up at home or on the streets. I cant begin to tell you the stories of my students over the years and it seems to only get worse. Oh not to toot my own horn but did I mention we sometimes provide the necessities of life as well, food, clothing and money. Well, those are just a few of the things I have done but yet because I do not have an extra piece of paper you want to terminate me. Ok! Then you come in and do what has been done and deal with what needs to be dealt with. Go ahead, support that students whose best friend was killed, counsel that girl that just found out she is pregnant and doesn't know how to tell her parents, explain to that student how for their safety you had to call DCF on the moms boyfriend because he beat the student up and the student is being removed from the home, explain to that student how they are being moved from one foster home to another and why the first home took all of their clothes, explain to that child why they cant live out on the streets, explain to that student why they were abandoned, explain to that student why his Dad refuses to look at him or has nothing to do with him. Yeah, it is hard but I loved what I did and I loved my students. I strive to make a difference. Yeah, I was told that I was never going to reach all of my students but I sure was going to try my best to reach all of them. If I made a difference in one of my students lives then I guess I did my job. I surely do not want to leave it at that, I want to continue, I want to make an impact in the lives of students. I believe that I was truly placed here to do what i am doing, this is my calling but man is making this calling impossible.
So, here is what I ask: Why haven't I been able to pass these tests? What is it that is keeping me from this? If this is my calling then why is it so difficult? What have I done that has caused this to happen? Is this really what I am suppose to be doing? God why are you putting me in this situation? Why am I having a hard time resting in know that things will work out, that you are in control? I want to understand but yet I am scared to see the bigger picture. Every one says that something better will come along, how will it come and when? I just want to know that in August when school starts back that I will be teaching and that all of this will be behind me. Jeremiah 29:11; God do you really have a plan? How will this work out? Can man screw up the plan that God has, either me personally or someone else? Proverbs 3:4-5 tells me to trust Him and he will direct my paths, where is this path taking me, I thought I was on the path you wanted me on, but now I have been taken off path? I am not trying to understand this on my own, I know I can't do this alone, but when I have asked for your help I feel as though I have hit a brick wall. I know I am not alone but it sure feels that way. I call out but I feel like all I hear is my echo, God won't you show me what to do or where to go, or how I am suppose to get through this?
I NEED YOUR HELP!
