I am not saying this because I want sympathy or wishes but my birthday is coming up next Friday and I am so not happy about it. Please do not get me wrong I am so grategul that God has blessed me with another year of life but I am so frustrated with where I am not that it is making me depressed. I do not think I have ever suffered or have dealt with depression but I am and feel that I have been since the end of the school year. This stinks. Let me explain where I am going with this and why I feel the way that I feel.
I have always dreamt of being married and having children. I remember has a child talking about when I would get married and when I would have my first child. Yes, I know we can not predetermine when all these things will take place but most girls dream these ideas. I wanted to get married at the age of 25 and have my first child at the age of 27. Well, none of this has happened. I will be turning 35 and I ask the question why have I wanted this and never had the chance to experience it. I walk down the halls of my school (where I teach) and see young girls pregnant and I ask, "God, why are they able to have a kid and I am not?" then my heart starts to feel heavy. Yes, I know it is a consequence for their actions and they are going about it the worng way but still, come on. I go to the mall or out to dinner and I see couples holding hands or with their arms around each other, and ask, "why am I not in a relationship?" I want to have that relationship. I have always said that I am not settling and I am rethinking that, almost the right time the right place. No lectures please! I am frustrated with my self and God, why won't he give this to me, what haven't I done for him to not to allow me to be in a relationship and have children? I am tired of people telling me you are still young you can have children even after 40, no I won't. I do not want to be older and have children for many reasons. I have thought about adopting but I do not think it is fair to the child because it is difficult as a single parent to raise and child and it is not fair to me because I wouldn't have the support needed to raise a child. Plus, a child needs both a mom and a dad. Could I raise a child on my own, more than likely but again I want my child to have both parents. So, when I see children my heart breaks because I long to have a family of my own. When I am with my family and their children are around I am sad because I do not get to experience this. I think I have finally come to realize that I am not having children and I am some what ok with that thought, but it still hurts at times.
As far as not having a spouse; there are days that I am grateful I am still single but then there are the days that I would like to come home and have someone there. When I have had a bad day it; would be nice to have a shoulder to lean on or the arms that will hold you. When tragedy takes place is when I want this more than ever. A friend called me the other day to check on me, which I was having a horrible day but wouldn't express it to him. He continued to ask and finally I said to him, "I have learned to deal with stress, and everything else on my own, so telling you is not going to do any good." This was wrong, I should have opened up but I couldn't. I know that I have friends and family that are there for me but it is different. I want all that comes with beng in a relationship. I want the right relationship, a man that is going to love me no matter what, that will be there for me in all situations, that will drop whatever so that he can be there for me. WHY DON'T I HAVE THIS?????? I feel like I am at a point in my life that this is the next thing. So, where is he? No one has answers for me and I dont really expect any one to give me an answer or to even say they understand what I am feeling. No, you may be in the same situation but I really don't think you know what or how I am feeling.
Sorry, I know I have some what vented but this is some times good for me. The verse below maybe taken out of context but this is a verse that people hve told me over the years. Ok, well if God gave me this desire (and I do at times believe that) then why am I so unhappy about not being in a relationship? Why can't I accept the fact that if he gave me this desore then eventually it will happen? Well, I don't know and I am sure you don't either. Here is one last thought. Maybe it is not God's plan for me to get married and have children but then I ask why do I want to be married to badly if children are not in the picture. Why do most people get married?, because they want to have sex or because they have to get married. Oh yeah, and that they love each other, which is very rare these days. I will shout it to the roof top, I WANT TO BE MARRIED TO A WONDERFUL MAN!!!!!!!!
Then I am reminded of this verse and even though it really doesn't help I have to remember that He is in control and I am not. It is still frustrating. Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart
