Summers Over

Summer is quickly coming to an end and I must say this has been a summer like no other. I must say that summer started off pretty crappy and it only seemed to set the tone for the rest of the summer. Not to rehash the first part of summer (not going to) but here is how the rest of the summer went. My very first week of summer was spent at Kids Camp in Ocala, which wasn't that bad but it surely wasn't what I had experienced before during kids camp. I really don't think I was mentally or spiritually prepared to doing or going. All in all is wasn't that bad of a week. Then once I got back the next few weeks were me trying to figure out what I needed to do about work, school (masters program), completing the first semester of my masters program, ministry/church, and still dealing with the left overs from the last day of school. I was an emotional wreck. By the time July rolled around I was (or at least I thought I was) ready for our usual vacation at crescent beach for the week. Two days into the vacation I got news that really upset me and brought back some unfinished feelings (probably the best way to describe it). It is so true what people say; out of sight out of mind. That was the case for about three or four years and here comes my emotional wreck state again. Tuesday of my vacation I drove back to Jax to welcome home a very dear friend. Driving is always a way for me to clear my head and just be alone. Yes I cried a little on my way back in over this situation but yet knew I needed to just let go and forget it. As I got closer to the north side I passed an area on the highway that just truly broke me. It was the kind of broken that when you cry you can't catch your breathe. This went on for a little bit and I really tried to just let it go so that no one would know that I was upset. I spent time that day with people that are very dear to me and then finally headed back to the beach. I think I am ok now, tears or a good cry sometimes helps. The rest of the week at the beach was ok, the weather sucked which didn't make things that great, just made the week go by that much faster. Then Monday we got back from the beach I had to take a test for my certification (due to the stupid Federal Government Laws) which could determine keeping my job or not. Well, after a very long 3.5 hours of taking a test the results were not pass. I suck! This was the start of another down hill spiral. I was so upset and just wanted to crawl into a hole and be alone. I get several phone calls asking me how I did and it was all is could to do get through the conversation. So for the rest of the week I was very upset and frustrated. The next few weeks after that were me trying to figure out how to get through this and out of this situation. Yes, I had dear friends and family that were very encouraging but it didn't seem to really help. I just wanted to be alone. Then there were some things that took place around my house that would just really irritate me but yet I had no control over. Things break or wouldn't work right and the frustration escalated. Then a weekend came up where I took a drive alone and really cleared my head and started to really figure out what God and I needed to do. It is a little clear but still not sure how it will all pan out or how I will affect the situation and outcome. The past two messages that I have heard through Celebration Church have really given me some answers and I am in the process of releasing and taking steps in the right direction. Last night when I finally went to bed I didn't turn the TV on, instead I layed there in the dark and silence and just listened and talked with God. I have missed that. I mainly prayed for friends and their situations and that God would use me. Then I drifted off to sleep and rested the best I have all summer.

So, a summer of lots of frustrations and tears. June through the first week of August I was in the valley, having what most people would call a pitty party, and now by the grace of God I am slowly climbing my way back to the mountain top. Last weekend I wish I would have had the song " I'm coming back to the heart of worship" but I found another song by Chris Tomlin that was just a good and really helped me to release. I now have to talk with a few people but I am comfortable because I know that this is what God wants me to do and where I should be. I didn't realize until the last few months how important being a part of ministry is, I have felt lost and I am ready to get back to being a part of God's plan. This hasn't been an easy summer but it definitely has been a summer of learning and growth. I have a test to take and pass which the third time is a charm. LOL! I will be ok through it no matter the outcome. I am ready to move forward. So, sadly enough , you may want to have me checked out, I am some what ready to get started back to a routine and this journey that God has waiting for me.
As I close this summer in the next two days I am prepared to take on what is placed before me. I may fail but I know that God will pick me back up, dust me off and set me on my way again. There is no turning back and honestly I don't want to.

If you are reading this please keep me in your prayers. If I may be so bold to ask here are some specifics you can pray for:
1. I pass this test.
2. That I share my faith with my students and truly minister to them
3. That God will use me at school more than he ever has before
4. The ministry I step into
5. God would use me to be a good friend
6. Words to speak (encouraging)
7. Boldness
8. Patience
9. Health
10. 2unspoken

God, you have truly taken me from frustrations to excitement. Thank you for not giving up on me and for loving me unconditionally. Help me to carry this kind of love to people that cross my path every day. Amen!

Summer Coming to an End

So summer is coming to an end so I thought I would reflect back. The start of summer for me was not what I wanting. (Not going to elaborate on that) Lets just say I was very sad. The first week of summer for me was spent at children's camp which was fun but yet frustrating; can't really explain why it just was. Maybe I wasn't mentally, physically, or spiritually ready for the week. The bad news just continued to come my way and I got even more frustrated. Once we were home from camp and I got some much needed sleep and really started thinking about things, which didn't make things any better. I started thinking about our vacation and just being able to relax at the beach and really take in some much needed quiet time. Nope, that didn't happen. Two days into the week I was hit in the face with something that I thought I had let go of years ago but when I was face to face with it I just wanted to crawl in a hole. The rest of the week was less than eventful and I could not get the rest that I wanted. Once I got back home things really started to weigh heavy on me. I couldn't sleep which made me feel sick. I guess I had a jenny pity party for a little while. There are so many thoughts and emotions that ran through me that I didn't know what else to do. I was frustrated about different situations be it work, ministry, personal or family that I just couldn't shake. I tried to take this on myself but in the end I knew was a stupid thing to do because as always I make things worse. One morning I woke up and realized that I didn't have to go through this alone. Not only do I have friends that care about me and are the for me but most importantly I have a heavenly father that wants to help and take care of it. I have taken a step back and have realized that God will allow things in my life to make me stronger and I know that He knows what is best for me as long as I allow Him to take over and do His will in my life. I will say that through this I have not been faithful, in fact I will say that I have been anything but faithful and for that I am ashamed. I can tell others what they should do or help them seek God but when it came to me I thought that He wasn't there for me. I know this is wrong and even when I wasn't wanting to listen he was right there trying to tell me to trust him and that every thing was going to be ok. I wont say that every day is easy and that I don't think about things that have taken place but I have to remember that this is all taking place for a reason and I have to trust God in all things. Going through a hard time, seek God and he will get you through it.