Getting Older

I am not saying this because I want sympathy or wishes but my birthday is coming up next Friday and I am so not happy about it. Please do not get me wrong I am so grategul that God has blessed me with another year of life but I am so frustrated with where I am not that it is making me depressed. I do not think I have ever suffered or have dealt with depression but I am and feel that I have been since the end of the school year. This stinks. Let me explain where I am going with this and why I feel the way that I feel.

I have always dreamt of being married and having children. I remember has a child talking about when I would get married and when I would have my first child. Yes, I know we can not predetermine when all these things will take place but most girls dream these ideas. I wanted to get married at the age of 25 and have my first child at the age of 27. Well, none of this has happened. I will be turning 35 and I ask the question why have I wanted this and never had the chance to experience it. I walk down the halls of my school (where I teach) and see young girls pregnant and I ask, "God, why are they able to have a kid and I am not?" then my heart starts to feel heavy. Yes, I know it is a consequence for their actions and they are going about it the worng way but still, come on. I go to the mall or out to dinner and I see couples holding hands or with their arms around each other, and ask, "why am I not in a relationship?" I want to have that relationship. I have always said that I am not settling and I am rethinking that, almost the right time the right place. No lectures please! I am frustrated with my self and God, why won't he give this to me, what haven't I done for him to not to allow me to be in a relationship and have children? I am tired of people telling me you are still young you can have children even after 40, no I won't. I do not want to be older and have children for many reasons. I have thought about adopting but I do not think it is fair to the child because it is difficult as a single parent to raise and child and it is not fair to me because I wouldn't have the support needed to raise a child. Plus, a child needs both a mom and a dad. Could I raise a child on my own, more than likely but again I want my child to have both parents. So, when I see children my heart breaks because I long to have a family of my own. When I am with my family and their children are around I am sad because I do not get to experience this. I think I have finally come to realize that I am not having children and I am some what ok with that thought, but it still hurts at times.

As far as not having a spouse; there are days that I am grateful I am still single but then there are the days that I would like to come home and have someone there. When I have had a bad day it; would be nice to have a shoulder to lean on or the arms that will hold you. When tragedy takes place is when I want this more than ever. A friend called me the other day to check on me, which I was having a horrible day but wouldn't express it to him. He continued to ask and finally I said to him, "I have learned to deal with stress, and everything else on my own, so telling you is not going to do any good." This was wrong, I should have opened up but I couldn't. I know that I have friends and family that are there for me but it is different. I want all that comes with beng in a relationship. I want the right relationship, a man that is going to love me no matter what, that will be there for me in all situations, that will drop whatever so that he can be there for me. WHY DON'T I HAVE THIS?????? I feel like I am at a point in my life that this is the next thing. So, where is he? No one has answers for me and I dont really expect any one to give me an answer or to even say they understand what I am feeling. No, you may be in the same situation but I really don't think you know what or how I am feeling.

Sorry, I know I have some what vented but this is some times good for me. The verse below maybe taken out of context but this is a verse that people hve told me over the years. Ok, well if God gave me this desire (and I do at times believe that) then why am I so unhappy about not being in a relationship? Why can't I accept the fact that if he gave me this desore then eventually it will happen? Well, I don't know and I am sure you don't either. Here is one last thought. Maybe it is not God's plan for me to get married and have children but then I ask why do I want to be married to badly if children are not in the picture. Why do most people get married?, because they want to have sex or because they have to get married. Oh yeah, and that they love each other, which is very rare these days. I will shout it to the roof top, I WANT TO BE MARRIED TO A WONDERFUL MAN!!!!!!!!
Then I am reminded of this verse and even though it really doesn't help I have to remember that He is in control and I am not. It is still frustrating. Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.




Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart

Summers Over

Summer is quickly coming to an end and I must say this has been a summer like no other. I must say that summer started off pretty crappy and it only seemed to set the tone for the rest of the summer. Not to rehash the first part of summer (not going to) but here is how the rest of the summer went. My very first week of summer was spent at Kids Camp in Ocala, which wasn't that bad but it surely wasn't what I had experienced before during kids camp. I really don't think I was mentally or spiritually prepared to doing or going. All in all is wasn't that bad of a week. Then once I got back the next few weeks were me trying to figure out what I needed to do about work, school (masters program), completing the first semester of my masters program, ministry/church, and still dealing with the left overs from the last day of school. I was an emotional wreck. By the time July rolled around I was (or at least I thought I was) ready for our usual vacation at crescent beach for the week. Two days into the vacation I got news that really upset me and brought back some unfinished feelings (probably the best way to describe it). It is so true what people say; out of sight out of mind. That was the case for about three or four years and here comes my emotional wreck state again. Tuesday of my vacation I drove back to Jax to welcome home a very dear friend. Driving is always a way for me to clear my head and just be alone. Yes I cried a little on my way back in over this situation but yet knew I needed to just let go and forget it. As I got closer to the north side I passed an area on the highway that just truly broke me. It was the kind of broken that when you cry you can't catch your breathe. This went on for a little bit and I really tried to just let it go so that no one would know that I was upset. I spent time that day with people that are very dear to me and then finally headed back to the beach. I think I am ok now, tears or a good cry sometimes helps. The rest of the week at the beach was ok, the weather sucked which didn't make things that great, just made the week go by that much faster. Then Monday we got back from the beach I had to take a test for my certification (due to the stupid Federal Government Laws) which could determine keeping my job or not. Well, after a very long 3.5 hours of taking a test the results were not pass. I suck! This was the start of another down hill spiral. I was so upset and just wanted to crawl into a hole and be alone. I get several phone calls asking me how I did and it was all is could to do get through the conversation. So for the rest of the week I was very upset and frustrated. The next few weeks after that were me trying to figure out how to get through this and out of this situation. Yes, I had dear friends and family that were very encouraging but it didn't seem to really help. I just wanted to be alone. Then there were some things that took place around my house that would just really irritate me but yet I had no control over. Things break or wouldn't work right and the frustration escalated. Then a weekend came up where I took a drive alone and really cleared my head and started to really figure out what God and I needed to do. It is a little clear but still not sure how it will all pan out or how I will affect the situation and outcome. The past two messages that I have heard through Celebration Church have really given me some answers and I am in the process of releasing and taking steps in the right direction. Last night when I finally went to bed I didn't turn the TV on, instead I layed there in the dark and silence and just listened and talked with God. I have missed that. I mainly prayed for friends and their situations and that God would use me. Then I drifted off to sleep and rested the best I have all summer.

So, a summer of lots of frustrations and tears. June through the first week of August I was in the valley, having what most people would call a pitty party, and now by the grace of God I am slowly climbing my way back to the mountain top. Last weekend I wish I would have had the song " I'm coming back to the heart of worship" but I found another song by Chris Tomlin that was just a good and really helped me to release. I now have to talk with a few people but I am comfortable because I know that this is what God wants me to do and where I should be. I didn't realize until the last few months how important being a part of ministry is, I have felt lost and I am ready to get back to being a part of God's plan. This hasn't been an easy summer but it definitely has been a summer of learning and growth. I have a test to take and pass which the third time is a charm. LOL! I will be ok through it no matter the outcome. I am ready to move forward. So, sadly enough , you may want to have me checked out, I am some what ready to get started back to a routine and this journey that God has waiting for me.
As I close this summer in the next two days I am prepared to take on what is placed before me. I may fail but I know that God will pick me back up, dust me off and set me on my way again. There is no turning back and honestly I don't want to.

If you are reading this please keep me in your prayers. If I may be so bold to ask here are some specifics you can pray for:
1. I pass this test.
2. That I share my faith with my students and truly minister to them
3. That God will use me at school more than he ever has before
4. The ministry I step into
5. God would use me to be a good friend
6. Words to speak (encouraging)
7. Boldness
8. Patience
9. Health
10. 2unspoken

God, you have truly taken me from frustrations to excitement. Thank you for not giving up on me and for loving me unconditionally. Help me to carry this kind of love to people that cross my path every day. Amen!

Summer Coming to an End

So summer is coming to an end so I thought I would reflect back. The start of summer for me was not what I wanting. (Not going to elaborate on that) Lets just say I was very sad. The first week of summer for me was spent at children's camp which was fun but yet frustrating; can't really explain why it just was. Maybe I wasn't mentally, physically, or spiritually ready for the week. The bad news just continued to come my way and I got even more frustrated. Once we were home from camp and I got some much needed sleep and really started thinking about things, which didn't make things any better. I started thinking about our vacation and just being able to relax at the beach and really take in some much needed quiet time. Nope, that didn't happen. Two days into the week I was hit in the face with something that I thought I had let go of years ago but when I was face to face with it I just wanted to crawl in a hole. The rest of the week was less than eventful and I could not get the rest that I wanted. Once I got back home things really started to weigh heavy on me. I couldn't sleep which made me feel sick. I guess I had a jenny pity party for a little while. There are so many thoughts and emotions that ran through me that I didn't know what else to do. I was frustrated about different situations be it work, ministry, personal or family that I just couldn't shake. I tried to take this on myself but in the end I knew was a stupid thing to do because as always I make things worse. One morning I woke up and realized that I didn't have to go through this alone. Not only do I have friends that care about me and are the for me but most importantly I have a heavenly father that wants to help and take care of it. I have taken a step back and have realized that God will allow things in my life to make me stronger and I know that He knows what is best for me as long as I allow Him to take over and do His will in my life. I will say that through this I have not been faithful, in fact I will say that I have been anything but faithful and for that I am ashamed. I can tell others what they should do or help them seek God but when it came to me I thought that He wasn't there for me. I know this is wrong and even when I wasn't wanting to listen he was right there trying to tell me to trust him and that every thing was going to be ok. I wont say that every day is easy and that I don't think about things that have taken place but I have to remember that this is all taking place for a reason and I have to trust God in all things. Going through a hard time, seek God and he will get you through it.

Last Day of School!

Just before the end of the day our school was filled with sadness. The news of a horrible accident turned into a complete nightmare. Several of our students got together and planned a day at the beach for the last day of school little did they know it would change their lives forever. As the news continued to come in students had started to name names and one name given was a student of mine and another I knew from seeing him in the halls. At this point I was upset but wanting to know more and students at this point knew a lot but not 100% on who or how this all happened. I then received a phone call from one of the teachers that one of my students was in the accident and killed, this is hard. I tried not to cry because I still had students in my room and I needed to be strong for them (that was a wrong thought). As they left out of my room at 11:30 I began to cry and one of the guys leaving asked Ms. Smith are you sad? I should have spoke to them to let them know how I felt about the horrible accident and that I was sad and upset. As the bell rang Mr. Clark announced a mandatory faculty meeting, at this point I was shacking and had several text messages asking questions and letting me know they were praying for me. I get into our meeting and Mr. Clark starts of by not wanting to say the names of the students involved but I knew if he didn't I would be able to do anything else, so he decided to tell us the names of the students involved. I wont mention the names but you can go to news4jax and find that yourselves. The driver discharged tonight was a student of mine and I am so hurting for him right now, I cant imagine how he feels about all of this, his girl friend also in the accident is still in critical condition. The next name was a boy, who did not survive the accident, that I would see out in the halls in front of my room, I will always remember his Georgia hat, Georgia t-shirt and flip flops even when it was cold, he was a very polite young man. The next name was another student of mine. I couldn't hold it in any longer, I started to cry, but tried the best I could to hold it in until I got alone in my room. The other names that were mentioned I did not know who they were but am still just as broken up over them as I am for the ones that I knew. I cant begin to process how these parents are feeling right now, or what the driver is feeling. What do you say to the parents, what do you say to the students who survived, how to you share with the students who will return to school in August? I feel like I am stuck in a box and I my hands are tied, I don't know what to do or even to say. I have so many emotions,thoughts and feelings at times I just want to cry other times I want to through something. They were so young, is a statement that has been repeated. I know God has a bigger plan from all of this and I pray that students will learn the importance of safety.

Here is my challenge to those who read this. Please always remember your seat belt even if you are going a short distance. Parent tell your children you love them, hug them, spend time with them, and have not moments of regret. I will forever have the memory of these students in my thoughts and am truly broken over this whole thing. May God comfort the families and those students that survived as well as the friends as well as other teachers of these students.

Transition and Change

You know a few years ago I absolutely hated change but over the last five years it seems to be my motto. I have changed schools, subject areas, classrooms, houses twice, and now in ministry. I have been praying for a while now where God wanted me to be. I knew that I couldn't continue to work with the youth for many reasons. I have been a part of the youth ministry at PL for 7 years now and have loved every minute of what God has done in my life. I could write a book about how God has touched my life over the last 7 years. If it wasn't for Mike Lewis and the encouragement and prayer from others I might not have gotten through the general knowledge exam. If it wasn't for the support of close friends and much needed prayer and support there is a lot that I don't think I would have gotten through.I am so thankful to Tommy Mallard for holding my grandmothers funeral and for being there for my family and to Kevin who was there as well. Also, for the hospital visits that you both made while she was in the hospital. Words can't express thank you enough for that. Many people set the example of truly living the Christian life and what it meant to follow Christ and for that I am very grateful. I have memories that will be with me forever and I know that I will look back over the years and laugh. I wonder at times where my life would be if it wasn't for the members and love that was expressed over the years. I never thought I would teach a group of girls about different very tough topics, there was one that I remember as if it were yesterday, I had never experience God the way that I did during that time. Then the opportunities to attend conferences and camps and minister to the youth. I have been touched by the lives of these young people as well as encouraged to see the faith that they have. I cant begin to say how grateful I am to be allowed the opportunity and privilege to be a part of an awesome ministry and church. With the direction from God I feel that it is time for me to step out of the youth and see what God has for me next. I know a little over a year ago God gave me a vision about speaking to females about who we are in Christ and how he sees us. Maybe that is the next step and what God wants me to do. I am not sure of the next step but I know this is what I need to do. So many thoughts and emotions but I do know that this is what God is calling me to do because I have a peace about stepping out. I have told some of the students and will make it known to all, I am still available if they need anything. I love those students as if they were my own children. So, you see over the years I have experienced change in my life and some times that change is what is needed for God to be at work in my life and in the lives of others.

Mission Trip

There are a few blogs that I enjoy reading and two of the people's blogs I read are apart of a team going to India for the next ten days. Please join me in praying for these people while they are gone.

Don't Judge a Book by It's Cover!

I am sure many of you will be ready about the same person in a variety of ways over the next few days but I have to put my two sense in to this one. Here is a thought before I get into the meat of this blog. What does it mean to you when you hear some one say "Dont judge a book by it's cover!"? There are so many different reactions I have to this and I have said but yet done the same thing. We look at appearance and misjudge who that person is completely. Let me explain. Last night on Britain's Got Talent an older lady (age 47) gets out on stage and says she wants to sing, just about everyone in the audience laughed as well as the judges. She sang I Dreamed a Dream and when the first sound was heard every one was in awe. They couldnt believe that someone that looked like this could sound so good, could have a voice so beautiful. Every one in the audience was on their feet applauding and cheering for her. She finished the song strong and got the highest rated of three yeses.

Here is the point to this, and I am just as guilty. We look at the outward and say because of the way they look: clothes, hair, teeth, skin color, size, eyes, fashion or not, shoes, just the over all appearance and say there is no way they can to that, or I am not going to be seen with that person. BUT what we are missing is what they are filled with. We havent even given them the chance to see what they are capable of what really is on the inside because we are so self centered that we care more about appearance than we do ability. Sadly enough we judge a person for appearance in every situation. I am not going to speak to that person they look weird, I am not going to move over to the empty seat for them to sit by me did you see what she has on, I am not going to go to dinner with that person he/she smells funny, etc. I could go on with these excuses but in actuality they could be the next what ever and even if they are not why are we judging them for what they look like and not considering the heart at all. Guys and girls only date those popular people, fashionable, looks good on the outside what people like to call eye candy kinda stuff. Yes, I agree we like to be attracted to the person but isnt it really the heart of a person that is most attractive, shouldnt we consider the heart first and then every thing else should fall into place. Shouldnt we get to know them before we ever say no they cant do that, I cant date them, or what ever the reason is that they just wont work out. But at least you first gave them the chance and got to know them. Who knows maybe by doing this you could meet your soul mate, the next CEO of a company, the next American Idol, the next Apprentice, the next America's Top Model but we first looked at the inside and gave them a chance.

The next time you see someone that isnt up to your standards by the way of appearance stop and think about Susan Boyle, who will probably become a famous singer now, and how she was judge by her appearance and once she sang it was absolutely a beautiful sounding voice. A judge made the state "our sinful actions" wrongly judging someone. I hope the next time we start to judge someone for the way they look we will stop and correct ourselves and at give them a chance. Isnt that what Jesus did for us. He didnt say man look at the sin in their life, or she is ugly, or stupid, or fat, or too thin, or they dont have the up to date clothes, no he said Romans 10:13 " For all who call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved" no you didnt read to say any thing else but ALL. Thank God he doesnt save us according to our lives or our standards because we would never be saved because of how ugly we all are and how sinful we are.

Matthew 7: 1-2"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."