Letting Go

I never thought I would ever say goodbye but I am feeling more and more like this is what I have to do. I know this is not what I want but at the same time it fits. I deserve more! Please do not take that statement as me being conceited but I deserve someone that will be there for me and want to spend time with me. You say "I love you" but the actions do not back up what you say. Maybe this is convenient for both of us, or maybe you know that no matter what I will always be there for you. Well, to a point that is true, I would be there for you no matter what and with no strings attached. I know how I feel about you and when I say " I love you" I mean with ounce of my being and unconditionally. I do believe that you are better than what people have ever said about you. You have a heart like no other but for some reason it has become hard and cold and you keep people at a distance. Maybe I should say when you are ready to be loved the way you deserve to be loved and can love completely in return then I will be there. I would say that I would wait for you forever because I have waited for you for quit some time now but I cant, I just don't think this is what is suppose to happen. I know you are probably wondering why I am saying all of this and that you would be the one to walk away from me but it is time I let you go completely. I know you will probably not be hurt from this but I will be. It will take time but eventually I will get past this. I hope one day you will look back a realize what we could have been and how good things could have been. There will be things that I do that I will think of you and when that happens I hope that I come to your mind. I hope that you will miss me as much as I will miss you. I hope that there will be some remorse in you about how all of this has turned out. I don't want to let go but I know I have to do this because I can't hold on forever to something that will not be there completely. I don't think it will be there completely for you with any one ever.

You know that I have and would always love you unconditionally and would make you happy.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER!
GOODBYE!

Plan B but God's got Plan A

I just watched a video about a couple who had lost their child and a book called Plan B by Pete Wilson. Now, I haven't read the book yet but from the messages I have heard and the pieces of the book I have heard here and there I am sure it is a great eye opening, life evaluating book. As I type out this blog I think; does God have a plan B or was this the plan from the get go and I just put in place things that I wanted. Here is where I am going with this.
You see, I am a teacher and I have a test that will determine my job for next year, if I pass the test I keep my job, if I do not pass the test then come June 30th I will be terminated. So, here is what I think. Please don't get me wrong I absolutely love teaching and I love my students; yes even the ones that are or can be ill behaved. I think sometimes why I haven't passed the test I my only response has been because I am stupid. Well, maybe but after this video I am thinking of Plan B maybe this wasn't what God had in-store for me in the first place and I just took a detour of what I wanted to do. Finally God maybe saying "Jenny, you have done what you wanted and I have let you but now Plan B which was really my Plan A needs to come to fruition. I think I have said it before but I do not think I really meant it but I have said "God I need your help and whatever your will" but today I say "God if this isn't your plan A then show me and allow me to have peace with this to know you will take care of me no matter what the results". I do know that you will take care of me and provide for me as you always have, my biggest thing is I need to trust you to the utmost extinct and not think or rely on myself because obviously I will screw everything up. God stand beside me, hold my hand and give me your Plan A and never allow me to look back. I need you more than I have never realized before. I know in the end this will be a lesson learned and I pray that when the lesson is learned you will get the praise and glory from it because you are not a coincidental God but a God of purpose and from the beginning you have had a plan for my life. I want to grab hold of your plan and not mine. I want to walk in your footsteps every step of the way allowing your guidance and your steps to place me where you want me.

Jeremiah 29:11"for I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not harm you and plans to give you hope and a future."

Heart broken!

It has been a while since I last blogged and have wanted to for some time now. So, here I am back at it.

Today as I sit in-front of this computer my heart aches for several different reasons. Where do I begin? I will start with the feeling of being helpless. A while back, maybe two years ago, I got some news about a friend of mine and for the past 8months or so it has been heavy on my heart. I don't know what to say, or even what to do, I just want to fix everything and make it ok. I feel helpless and I don't like this feeling. I have recently thought about joining a group to raise money and have since started the effort/process. I want to visit my friend but I don't want to break down when I see him, I know myself all to well. I know what I have to but I need the comfort and peace of the Father to dwell within me to get through it. How do I help, how do I let him and his family know that I am here for what ever they need? I wish I had millions of trillions of dollars to fix this, to give to them, or whatever is needed. I know money is not the answer but right now I do know it would and could help. If you read this please pray for my friend and the family.

My next person on my heart is friend's mother who was diagnosed with cancer. Yesterday she went through surgery. I do not know a lot of details other than she pulled through surgery and will be in the hospital a few days. I do not like to see my friend or any one for that matter deal with such sickness. Please keep her and her family in your prayers as well. Taylor family.

Third, I found out some information that maybe I shouldnt have. I would like to be a person that never places judgement on anyone for things they have done whether past or present. God excepted me just the way I am and I hope that I am able to be as accepting as God is towards me. I really want to reach out to this person and show them the love that Christ has shown me. I know that this person needs to come back to church and I have since extended the invitation to him and I can only pray that God will bring him back to worship. We all make mistakes in life and fall hard but our heavenly Father is right there to pick us up and dust us off and hold our hands through it all never ever saying what a horrible person we are, or how could we, or what were you thinking, and he never turns his back and just walks away. Instead he extends his hand shows us unconditional love and acceptance. Why is it so hard for us to not judge others and accept them for who they are and not what they do or did? Unconditional love is what I want him to see and experience.

Lastly, just when I think all is good and possible; I let my guard down thinking it would all be ok. Wow, was I wrong. So many emotions that I had suppressed for a little while are now right back in my face. So, here is the story in short. being stood up is a horrible feeling. My first thought was, is he ok? Then I allowed my anger to build and I just want to yell but then my heart comes into play and it starts to hurt. When I finally hear something and know that he is ok, I then have the thoughts of what is wrong with me, did I say or do something wrong, did I misunderstand what was said, red into something that wasnt there. Oh well, maybe I should just go back to being me and not worrying about anything else. The past few weeks, closer to a month now, I keep hearing the verse in Genesis where God says it is not good for Adam to be allow and he created Eve to be with Adam. I know this but it is still hard to be patient. I am reminded of everything that I learned while going through the study of Esther. It is all about God's timing and him knowing what is right and when it is right. I know through all of this I am learning patience, and to trust God but there are times when I know I am weak and I just want to scream out, why?! One day I will have the answers but only when God is ready to reveal them to me.

In looking back at every thing I have just mentioned I know there is a plan for each and every life. The hard part is being able to share with everyone that there is a lesson learned from all of this, even in sickness. Showing people how to have faith and trust that God is in control is probably harder than any thing else. So, if you are reading this I have a list of prayer requests.

Healing from cancer and ALS
Peace, Comfort, Grace, Love
Acceptance
Patience
wisdom
faith
boldness
courage
letting go
work-test (personally for me)

An Opportunity!

I think as Christians we always want that opportunity to share Christ with someone. There are times when we leave from some where and kick ourselves for never saying a word to that person about God. Well, today the opportunity was before me. I had a student ask "why do we have Christmas?" I didn't hesitate and just went right into explaining that Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. She then asked where Santa Claus fit in. So, I pulled up some information and explained that as well. I also explained the that candy cane story which got into the virgin birth, sin and how Christ died for the sins of the world. The white was for purity and the red stripes were for the beating that Jesus took.

Let me back up for a second. The first thing was my students had a journal entry that read " What is the ultimate gift?" One student asked if I had ever heard the song Mary Did You Know, and I explained that it was my favorite Christmas song. He came over and sat by me and told me that he was singing that song on Sunday at his church. I asked if it would bother him if I came to hear him sing, so Sunday I will go to Hope Baptist Church to hear my student sing Mary Did You Know. Several of the students were asking what kind of song it was, so I pulled it up and played it for them. I think that is what prompted the question of Why do we have Christmas.

I am grateful for the opportunity to share with my students.

Getting Older

I am not saying this because I want sympathy or wishes but my birthday is coming up next Friday and I am so not happy about it. Please do not get me wrong I am so grategul that God has blessed me with another year of life but I am so frustrated with where I am not that it is making me depressed. I do not think I have ever suffered or have dealt with depression but I am and feel that I have been since the end of the school year. This stinks. Let me explain where I am going with this and why I feel the way that I feel.

I have always dreamt of being married and having children. I remember has a child talking about when I would get married and when I would have my first child. Yes, I know we can not predetermine when all these things will take place but most girls dream these ideas. I wanted to get married at the age of 25 and have my first child at the age of 27. Well, none of this has happened. I will be turning 35 and I ask the question why have I wanted this and never had the chance to experience it. I walk down the halls of my school (where I teach) and see young girls pregnant and I ask, "God, why are they able to have a kid and I am not?" then my heart starts to feel heavy. Yes, I know it is a consequence for their actions and they are going about it the worng way but still, come on. I go to the mall or out to dinner and I see couples holding hands or with their arms around each other, and ask, "why am I not in a relationship?" I want to have that relationship. I have always said that I am not settling and I am rethinking that, almost the right time the right place. No lectures please! I am frustrated with my self and God, why won't he give this to me, what haven't I done for him to not to allow me to be in a relationship and have children? I am tired of people telling me you are still young you can have children even after 40, no I won't. I do not want to be older and have children for many reasons. I have thought about adopting but I do not think it is fair to the child because it is difficult as a single parent to raise and child and it is not fair to me because I wouldn't have the support needed to raise a child. Plus, a child needs both a mom and a dad. Could I raise a child on my own, more than likely but again I want my child to have both parents. So, when I see children my heart breaks because I long to have a family of my own. When I am with my family and their children are around I am sad because I do not get to experience this. I think I have finally come to realize that I am not having children and I am some what ok with that thought, but it still hurts at times.

As far as not having a spouse; there are days that I am grateful I am still single but then there are the days that I would like to come home and have someone there. When I have had a bad day it; would be nice to have a shoulder to lean on or the arms that will hold you. When tragedy takes place is when I want this more than ever. A friend called me the other day to check on me, which I was having a horrible day but wouldn't express it to him. He continued to ask and finally I said to him, "I have learned to deal with stress, and everything else on my own, so telling you is not going to do any good." This was wrong, I should have opened up but I couldn't. I know that I have friends and family that are there for me but it is different. I want all that comes with beng in a relationship. I want the right relationship, a man that is going to love me no matter what, that will be there for me in all situations, that will drop whatever so that he can be there for me. WHY DON'T I HAVE THIS?????? I feel like I am at a point in my life that this is the next thing. So, where is he? No one has answers for me and I dont really expect any one to give me an answer or to even say they understand what I am feeling. No, you may be in the same situation but I really don't think you know what or how I am feeling.

Sorry, I know I have some what vented but this is some times good for me. The verse below maybe taken out of context but this is a verse that people hve told me over the years. Ok, well if God gave me this desire (and I do at times believe that) then why am I so unhappy about not being in a relationship? Why can't I accept the fact that if he gave me this desore then eventually it will happen? Well, I don't know and I am sure you don't either. Here is one last thought. Maybe it is not God's plan for me to get married and have children but then I ask why do I want to be married to badly if children are not in the picture. Why do most people get married?, because they want to have sex or because they have to get married. Oh yeah, and that they love each other, which is very rare these days. I will shout it to the roof top, I WANT TO BE MARRIED TO A WONDERFUL MAN!!!!!!!!
Then I am reminded of this verse and even though it really doesn't help I have to remember that He is in control and I am not. It is still frustrating. Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.




Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart

Summers Over

Summer is quickly coming to an end and I must say this has been a summer like no other. I must say that summer started off pretty crappy and it only seemed to set the tone for the rest of the summer. Not to rehash the first part of summer (not going to) but here is how the rest of the summer went. My very first week of summer was spent at Kids Camp in Ocala, which wasn't that bad but it surely wasn't what I had experienced before during kids camp. I really don't think I was mentally or spiritually prepared to doing or going. All in all is wasn't that bad of a week. Then once I got back the next few weeks were me trying to figure out what I needed to do about work, school (masters program), completing the first semester of my masters program, ministry/church, and still dealing with the left overs from the last day of school. I was an emotional wreck. By the time July rolled around I was (or at least I thought I was) ready for our usual vacation at crescent beach for the week. Two days into the vacation I got news that really upset me and brought back some unfinished feelings (probably the best way to describe it). It is so true what people say; out of sight out of mind. That was the case for about three or four years and here comes my emotional wreck state again. Tuesday of my vacation I drove back to Jax to welcome home a very dear friend. Driving is always a way for me to clear my head and just be alone. Yes I cried a little on my way back in over this situation but yet knew I needed to just let go and forget it. As I got closer to the north side I passed an area on the highway that just truly broke me. It was the kind of broken that when you cry you can't catch your breathe. This went on for a little bit and I really tried to just let it go so that no one would know that I was upset. I spent time that day with people that are very dear to me and then finally headed back to the beach. I think I am ok now, tears or a good cry sometimes helps. The rest of the week at the beach was ok, the weather sucked which didn't make things that great, just made the week go by that much faster. Then Monday we got back from the beach I had to take a test for my certification (due to the stupid Federal Government Laws) which could determine keeping my job or not. Well, after a very long 3.5 hours of taking a test the results were not pass. I suck! This was the start of another down hill spiral. I was so upset and just wanted to crawl into a hole and be alone. I get several phone calls asking me how I did and it was all is could to do get through the conversation. So for the rest of the week I was very upset and frustrated. The next few weeks after that were me trying to figure out how to get through this and out of this situation. Yes, I had dear friends and family that were very encouraging but it didn't seem to really help. I just wanted to be alone. Then there were some things that took place around my house that would just really irritate me but yet I had no control over. Things break or wouldn't work right and the frustration escalated. Then a weekend came up where I took a drive alone and really cleared my head and started to really figure out what God and I needed to do. It is a little clear but still not sure how it will all pan out or how I will affect the situation and outcome. The past two messages that I have heard through Celebration Church have really given me some answers and I am in the process of releasing and taking steps in the right direction. Last night when I finally went to bed I didn't turn the TV on, instead I layed there in the dark and silence and just listened and talked with God. I have missed that. I mainly prayed for friends and their situations and that God would use me. Then I drifted off to sleep and rested the best I have all summer.

So, a summer of lots of frustrations and tears. June through the first week of August I was in the valley, having what most people would call a pitty party, and now by the grace of God I am slowly climbing my way back to the mountain top. Last weekend I wish I would have had the song " I'm coming back to the heart of worship" but I found another song by Chris Tomlin that was just a good and really helped me to release. I now have to talk with a few people but I am comfortable because I know that this is what God wants me to do and where I should be. I didn't realize until the last few months how important being a part of ministry is, I have felt lost and I am ready to get back to being a part of God's plan. This hasn't been an easy summer but it definitely has been a summer of learning and growth. I have a test to take and pass which the third time is a charm. LOL! I will be ok through it no matter the outcome. I am ready to move forward. So, sadly enough , you may want to have me checked out, I am some what ready to get started back to a routine and this journey that God has waiting for me.
As I close this summer in the next two days I am prepared to take on what is placed before me. I may fail but I know that God will pick me back up, dust me off and set me on my way again. There is no turning back and honestly I don't want to.

If you are reading this please keep me in your prayers. If I may be so bold to ask here are some specifics you can pray for:
1. I pass this test.
2. That I share my faith with my students and truly minister to them
3. That God will use me at school more than he ever has before
4. The ministry I step into
5. God would use me to be a good friend
6. Words to speak (encouraging)
7. Boldness
8. Patience
9. Health
10. 2unspoken

God, you have truly taken me from frustrations to excitement. Thank you for not giving up on me and for loving me unconditionally. Help me to carry this kind of love to people that cross my path every day. Amen!

Summer Coming to an End

So summer is coming to an end so I thought I would reflect back. The start of summer for me was not what I wanting. (Not going to elaborate on that) Lets just say I was very sad. The first week of summer for me was spent at children's camp which was fun but yet frustrating; can't really explain why it just was. Maybe I wasn't mentally, physically, or spiritually ready for the week. The bad news just continued to come my way and I got even more frustrated. Once we were home from camp and I got some much needed sleep and really started thinking about things, which didn't make things any better. I started thinking about our vacation and just being able to relax at the beach and really take in some much needed quiet time. Nope, that didn't happen. Two days into the week I was hit in the face with something that I thought I had let go of years ago but when I was face to face with it I just wanted to crawl in a hole. The rest of the week was less than eventful and I could not get the rest that I wanted. Once I got back home things really started to weigh heavy on me. I couldn't sleep which made me feel sick. I guess I had a jenny pity party for a little while. There are so many thoughts and emotions that ran through me that I didn't know what else to do. I was frustrated about different situations be it work, ministry, personal or family that I just couldn't shake. I tried to take this on myself but in the end I knew was a stupid thing to do because as always I make things worse. One morning I woke up and realized that I didn't have to go through this alone. Not only do I have friends that care about me and are the for me but most importantly I have a heavenly father that wants to help and take care of it. I have taken a step back and have realized that God will allow things in my life to make me stronger and I know that He knows what is best for me as long as I allow Him to take over and do His will in my life. I will say that through this I have not been faithful, in fact I will say that I have been anything but faithful and for that I am ashamed. I can tell others what they should do or help them seek God but when it came to me I thought that He wasn't there for me. I know this is wrong and even when I wasn't wanting to listen he was right there trying to tell me to trust him and that every thing was going to be ok. I wont say that every day is easy and that I don't think about things that have taken place but I have to remember that this is all taking place for a reason and I have to trust God in all things. Going through a hard time, seek God and he will get you through it.