It has been a while since I last blogged but I feel it is time to pick it back up. Blogging is a way of releasing my thoughts, frustrations, concerns and just at times journaling. At times I may even post questions that make you think about different topics.
Since we are a week before Thanksgiving let me start with expressing my gratitude, thankfulness and utmost appreciate for everything in my life. First, God has granted me this life I live with both the good/bad and to be free from so much of what this world offers. He has given me salvation and a promise to one day be in his presence doing what I was designed to do which is worship him. Each and every day is a blessing because he allows me to wake up and start the new day fresh and new. I will continue this each day from now until Thanksgiving.
I am Thankful for loving parents that love and support me in every aspect of life. Even though I am grown and have moved out of the house they still want to feed, clothe and give me shelter. They are parents that even when I mess up they still love me. If I had the option to chose my parents I would have chosen Claire and George but instead God chose them for me. What an awesome job he did giving me my parents.
I am also thankful for my siblings Angie and Tommy. Growing up we may have fought a lot but I think that is what gave us character. Well, at least it gave the strength I needed to stand up for myself. Now that we are older we see things and do things differently. My sister and brother are now close friends. They encourage me, support me, and listen to me.
I am thankful for the rest of my family; aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, in-laws (sister and brother that is) and my niece and nephews. Each and every one of them adds spice to my life.
I am thankful to have a roof over my head and a car that takes me place to place. I am thankful to have a job again doing what I am called to do which is teaching. I am thankful that I teach in a private school where I can pray for, with and over my students. A place where I can teach them how much God loves them and wants to give them eternal life.
To be continued........
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Termination
On August 3rd the members of the school board voted to terminate teachers under the No Child Left Behind Act of being Highly Qualified. i wont go into detail about that but will explain every thing else.
For several months now I have questioned if being a teacher was really my calling and if so why is this so difficult for me to get past. Why had I not been able to pass this test? Had I really missed my calling? Had I done something so bad that would cause this to happen? What am I being punished for? These are the questions that would haunt my thought every day and every night. Sleep had become an enemy and I would lie awake for hours wondering what I would do and how I would get past this. I would sometime cry myself to sleep if I fell asleep and wake up the next morning feeling confused, lost and empty. I had talked with a number of people about me keeping my job but no one was willing to help. By the end of July I was over the point of wow is me, because I at that point had done all that I knew I could do. I was now more concerned for my students. (By no means am I saying I was the best teacher.) I was concerned in that aspect of who would they trust, who would be there for them and fight for them, who would guide them not only through school but assist with guiding them through life, who would show the concern to ask are you ok/do you need to talk. My heart just broke into a million pieces because I knew it would take a long time for the students to trust like that again. I loved my students as if they were my own children and would do my best to care for them the way a mother would care for her children. I wasn't always successful with this but one thing my students knew what that I loved them and would do what I could to help them. I miss them so.
The first day of school was a very hard day in that I knew my former students would have questions about where I was and they would not get the complete truth. Who was going to teach my student math and care about what they were learning and provide them with what they needed to better themselves as students and individuals. This past Saturday afternoon I ran into one of my students and she came up to me and gave me a big hug and asked where I was that she had looked all over the school for me. I briefly explained as much as I could and the reaction was heart breaking. She was mad I was no longer there and told me she missed me. Holding back the tears I told her that I missed her and everyone else and to tell them all hello. She gave me another hug before she walked away and as she walked away I took a big deep breathe and said "I am suppose to be teaching, this is what I am meant to be doing." At this point I refuse to allow some man/law tell me I cant do what I was called to do. I havea hurdle to jump and eventually I will jump it and get past this.
To my students if you ever read this:
I am so sorry I am not there to take you by the hand and guide you through math. It was not my choice to leave and if I could I would be there tomorrow. I will try my best to come see you but know that it will be hard to see you knowing that I can't teach you. I am and will always be here for you if you need anything. I ask others about you daily and only hope that you will one day understand how much I care about you. I hope to one day be able to brag that you were once my student and look at the success and that you have accomplished. I wont give up if you wont give up. Forever your teacher!
For several months now I have questioned if being a teacher was really my calling and if so why is this so difficult for me to get past. Why had I not been able to pass this test? Had I really missed my calling? Had I done something so bad that would cause this to happen? What am I being punished for? These are the questions that would haunt my thought every day and every night. Sleep had become an enemy and I would lie awake for hours wondering what I would do and how I would get past this. I would sometime cry myself to sleep if I fell asleep and wake up the next morning feeling confused, lost and empty. I had talked with a number of people about me keeping my job but no one was willing to help. By the end of July I was over the point of wow is me, because I at that point had done all that I knew I could do. I was now more concerned for my students. (By no means am I saying I was the best teacher.) I was concerned in that aspect of who would they trust, who would be there for them and fight for them, who would guide them not only through school but assist with guiding them through life, who would show the concern to ask are you ok/do you need to talk. My heart just broke into a million pieces because I knew it would take a long time for the students to trust like that again. I loved my students as if they were my own children and would do my best to care for them the way a mother would care for her children. I wasn't always successful with this but one thing my students knew what that I loved them and would do what I could to help them. I miss them so.
The first day of school was a very hard day in that I knew my former students would have questions about where I was and they would not get the complete truth. Who was going to teach my student math and care about what they were learning and provide them with what they needed to better themselves as students and individuals. This past Saturday afternoon I ran into one of my students and she came up to me and gave me a big hug and asked where I was that she had looked all over the school for me. I briefly explained as much as I could and the reaction was heart breaking. She was mad I was no longer there and told me she missed me. Holding back the tears I told her that I missed her and everyone else and to tell them all hello. She gave me another hug before she walked away and as she walked away I took a big deep breathe and said "I am suppose to be teaching, this is what I am meant to be doing." At this point I refuse to allow some man/law tell me I cant do what I was called to do. I havea hurdle to jump and eventually I will jump it and get past this.
To my students if you ever read this:
I am so sorry I am not there to take you by the hand and guide you through math. It was not my choice to leave and if I could I would be there tomorrow. I will try my best to come see you but know that it will be hard to see you knowing that I can't teach you. I am and will always be here for you if you need anything. I ask others about you daily and only hope that you will one day understand how much I care about you. I hope to one day be able to brag that you were once my student and look at the success and that you have accomplished. I wont give up if you wont give up. Forever your teacher!
Never Let Go!
Back in June I wrote a post about letting someone very dear to me go and telling them goodbye forever. Well, to this day as much as I have thought about it, I have never been able to bring myself to letting go. I have asked the question of why I can't let go. We go for weeks without talking but when we finally talk, it is like no time has ever passed by. I do believe there is a reason why I have never truly let go completely and why he has never let go either. Here is why.
Do you believe that people have such a connection with someone that they can sense when something is wrong? I do believe that because over the past several years when they have been on my mind it usually means something has happens and when I do talk to them I hear all about what good or bad thing that have happened. This past weekend I had a funeral, which was the second one within a month, and I do not do well at funerals either. After the funeral I get a text asking if I was ok, now I have not talked to them in almost a month and on this day to have them text me meant a lot to me. Now, to me, this proves there is a connection because they sensed something was going on. Once I was able to explain the events that had happened I realized that I didn't say goodbye because we have a connection to each other. I am grateful I didn't because this is a relationship/friendship that will last a life time. I do consider myself to be blessed for having them in my life and for them being there for me. I guess just like in the marriage vows "for better or worse" well I think this should be vows for friendship as well. I have always believe that your spouse should be your best friend, maybe one day this will turn into my spouse and my best friend. He is already my best friend.
I looked up the definition of friend and it described us to a tee, then I looked up the definition of love and although it doesn't fit every aspect of us we do love each other unconditionally and do not hold anything against each other. I accept him just the way he is and he the same with me. Will it turn into a committed relationship, who knows but I do know that it is a life long friend that I will not say goodbye to. I love you and always will. Thank you for who you are and for being my forever friend!
Do you believe that people have such a connection with someone that they can sense when something is wrong? I do believe that because over the past several years when they have been on my mind it usually means something has happens and when I do talk to them I hear all about what good or bad thing that have happened. This past weekend I had a funeral, which was the second one within a month, and I do not do well at funerals either. After the funeral I get a text asking if I was ok, now I have not talked to them in almost a month and on this day to have them text me meant a lot to me. Now, to me, this proves there is a connection because they sensed something was going on. Once I was able to explain the events that had happened I realized that I didn't say goodbye because we have a connection to each other. I am grateful I didn't because this is a relationship/friendship that will last a life time. I do consider myself to be blessed for having them in my life and for them being there for me. I guess just like in the marriage vows "for better or worse" well I think this should be vows for friendship as well. I have always believe that your spouse should be your best friend, maybe one day this will turn into my spouse and my best friend. He is already my best friend.
I looked up the definition of friend and it described us to a tee, then I looked up the definition of love and although it doesn't fit every aspect of us we do love each other unconditionally and do not hold anything against each other. I accept him just the way he is and he the same with me. Will it turn into a committed relationship, who knows but I do know that it is a life long friend that I will not say goodbye to. I love you and always will. Thank you for who you are and for being my forever friend!
Friday, July 2, 2010
What, How, When: Now What?
Well, where do I start? I was notified a while back about a new law that came into play that requires I be certified in general academic area. Now I have a four year degree; graduated from UNF with a Bachelors in Special Education. I teach students with learning disabilities and have now for 6 years. However, I teach a math subject and because this is a core academic subject I have to be certified now in that academic. Here is the kicker, my students are not even at that academic level or will graduate with a standard diploma. This makes no sense. Oh, here is something that makes even less sense. This law came into effect in 2002 and Duval County waited until 2004 to start to do anything about it. When they started this I was in my first year of teaching and those teachers already teaching were given (grandfathering) a HOUSSE plan which gave the the Highly Qualified status. Now, in my fifth year of teaching (last march) I was notified of this and started working towards becoming HQ. I took two different tests and for the life of me have not been able to pass them. I have purchased books, met with a tutor, gone online and done tutorials online, printed off worksheets online, purchased study guides from the Department of Education and still have not passed. I am so frustrated at this point.
I feel like I am caught in this valley and I am so deep that I do not know how to begin to climb out. I think about the amount of money that I have spent so far and it makes me sick to my stomach. How can you terminate someone that loves what they do, that loves their students? I do not understand! I am by no means the best teacher but I definitely am not the worst either. I felt I was making progress with my students both personally and academically. I see the lack of consistency they have in their lives already with parents leaving them, friends leaving and just having no one there to care for them. Now here I am in this situation that will not be returning and they have been given no explanation as to why. I wont be able to tell them listen, this is what is happening and I am being forced to leave, it is not my choice but someones choice for me. I don't know which hurts worst; the idea of not having a job or the idea of my students being upset with me because they do not understand why I wont be there. It breaks my heart.
We say we do things for the betterment of students, but really how is this bettering our students. Please do not get me wrong when I say this but I am a good teacher and if you would come into my room and watch what goes on on a daily basis you would say "we do not need to worry about this lady and the test, she has this and her students are learning." Nope, instead they are going to sit in their nice office upfront or downtown and never come in to see what I do with my students. They are not going to know that I am not only a teacher but a counselor, a friend, a confidante, their cheerleader, their support group, sometimes I even have been the parent, academic advisor, and nurse. Teaching is not a 9-5 job where you can pack your things up at the end of the day and forget about it until the next day, no those of us that care about our students worry about them when they leave us, how are they going to get home, what will they eat for dinner, who will wash their clothes, will they get beaten up at home or on the streets. I cant begin to tell you the stories of my students over the years and it seems to only get worse. Oh not to toot my own horn but did I mention we sometimes provide the necessities of life as well, food, clothing and money. Well, those are just a few of the things I have done but yet because I do not have an extra piece of paper you want to terminate me. Ok! Then you come in and do what has been done and deal with what needs to be dealt with. Go ahead, support that students whose best friend was killed, counsel that girl that just found out she is pregnant and doesn't know how to tell her parents, explain to that student how for their safety you had to call DCF on the moms boyfriend because he beat the student up and the student is being removed from the home, explain to that student how they are being moved from one foster home to another and why the first home took all of their clothes, explain to that child why they cant live out on the streets, explain to that student why they were abandoned, explain to that student why his Dad refuses to look at him or has nothing to do with him. Yeah, it is hard but I loved what I did and I loved my students. I strive to make a difference. Yeah, I was told that I was never going to reach all of my students but I sure was going to try my best to reach all of them. If I made a difference in one of my students lives then I guess I did my job. I surely do not want to leave it at that, I want to continue, I want to make an impact in the lives of students. I believe that I was truly placed here to do what i am doing, this is my calling but man is making this calling impossible.
So, here is what I ask: Why haven't I been able to pass these tests? What is it that is keeping me from this? If this is my calling then why is it so difficult? What have I done that has caused this to happen? Is this really what I am suppose to be doing? God why are you putting me in this situation? Why am I having a hard time resting in know that things will work out, that you are in control? I want to understand but yet I am scared to see the bigger picture. Every one says that something better will come along, how will it come and when? I just want to know that in August when school starts back that I will be teaching and that all of this will be behind me. Jeremiah 29:11; God do you really have a plan? How will this work out? Can man screw up the plan that God has, either me personally or someone else? Proverbs 3:4-5 tells me to trust Him and he will direct my paths, where is this path taking me, I thought I was on the path you wanted me on, but now I have been taken off path? I am not trying to understand this on my own, I know I can't do this alone, but when I have asked for your help I feel as though I have hit a brick wall. I know I am not alone but it sure feels that way. I call out but I feel like all I hear is my echo, God won't you show me what to do or where to go, or how I am suppose to get through this?
I NEED YOUR HELP!
I feel like I am caught in this valley and I am so deep that I do not know how to begin to climb out. I think about the amount of money that I have spent so far and it makes me sick to my stomach. How can you terminate someone that loves what they do, that loves their students? I do not understand! I am by no means the best teacher but I definitely am not the worst either. I felt I was making progress with my students both personally and academically. I see the lack of consistency they have in their lives already with parents leaving them, friends leaving and just having no one there to care for them. Now here I am in this situation that will not be returning and they have been given no explanation as to why. I wont be able to tell them listen, this is what is happening and I am being forced to leave, it is not my choice but someones choice for me. I don't know which hurts worst; the idea of not having a job or the idea of my students being upset with me because they do not understand why I wont be there. It breaks my heart.
We say we do things for the betterment of students, but really how is this bettering our students. Please do not get me wrong when I say this but I am a good teacher and if you would come into my room and watch what goes on on a daily basis you would say "we do not need to worry about this lady and the test, she has this and her students are learning." Nope, instead they are going to sit in their nice office upfront or downtown and never come in to see what I do with my students. They are not going to know that I am not only a teacher but a counselor, a friend, a confidante, their cheerleader, their support group, sometimes I even have been the parent, academic advisor, and nurse. Teaching is not a 9-5 job where you can pack your things up at the end of the day and forget about it until the next day, no those of us that care about our students worry about them when they leave us, how are they going to get home, what will they eat for dinner, who will wash their clothes, will they get beaten up at home or on the streets. I cant begin to tell you the stories of my students over the years and it seems to only get worse. Oh not to toot my own horn but did I mention we sometimes provide the necessities of life as well, food, clothing and money. Well, those are just a few of the things I have done but yet because I do not have an extra piece of paper you want to terminate me. Ok! Then you come in and do what has been done and deal with what needs to be dealt with. Go ahead, support that students whose best friend was killed, counsel that girl that just found out she is pregnant and doesn't know how to tell her parents, explain to that student how for their safety you had to call DCF on the moms boyfriend because he beat the student up and the student is being removed from the home, explain to that student how they are being moved from one foster home to another and why the first home took all of their clothes, explain to that child why they cant live out on the streets, explain to that student why they were abandoned, explain to that student why his Dad refuses to look at him or has nothing to do with him. Yeah, it is hard but I loved what I did and I loved my students. I strive to make a difference. Yeah, I was told that I was never going to reach all of my students but I sure was going to try my best to reach all of them. If I made a difference in one of my students lives then I guess I did my job. I surely do not want to leave it at that, I want to continue, I want to make an impact in the lives of students. I believe that I was truly placed here to do what i am doing, this is my calling but man is making this calling impossible.
So, here is what I ask: Why haven't I been able to pass these tests? What is it that is keeping me from this? If this is my calling then why is it so difficult? What have I done that has caused this to happen? Is this really what I am suppose to be doing? God why are you putting me in this situation? Why am I having a hard time resting in know that things will work out, that you are in control? I want to understand but yet I am scared to see the bigger picture. Every one says that something better will come along, how will it come and when? I just want to know that in August when school starts back that I will be teaching and that all of this will be behind me. Jeremiah 29:11; God do you really have a plan? How will this work out? Can man screw up the plan that God has, either me personally or someone else? Proverbs 3:4-5 tells me to trust Him and he will direct my paths, where is this path taking me, I thought I was on the path you wanted me on, but now I have been taken off path? I am not trying to understand this on my own, I know I can't do this alone, but when I have asked for your help I feel as though I have hit a brick wall. I know I am not alone but it sure feels that way. I call out but I feel like all I hear is my echo, God won't you show me what to do or where to go, or how I am suppose to get through this?
I NEED YOUR HELP!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Letting Go
I never thought I would ever say goodbye but I am feeling more and more like this is what I have to do. I know this is not what I want but at the same time it fits. I deserve more! Please do not take that statement as me being conceited but I deserve someone that will be there for me and want to spend time with me. You say "I love you" but the actions do not back up what you say. Maybe this is convenient for both of us, or maybe you know that no matter what I will always be there for you. Well, to a point that is true, I would be there for you no matter what and with no strings attached. I know how I feel about you and when I say " I love you" I mean with ounce of my being and unconditionally. I do believe that you are better than what people have ever said about you. You have a heart like no other but for some reason it has become hard and cold and you keep people at a distance. Maybe I should say when you are ready to be loved the way you deserve to be loved and can love completely in return then I will be there. I would say that I would wait for you forever because I have waited for you for quit some time now but I cant, I just don't think this is what is suppose to happen. I know you are probably wondering why I am saying all of this and that you would be the one to walk away from me but it is time I let you go completely. I know you will probably not be hurt from this but I will be. It will take time but eventually I will get past this. I hope one day you will look back a realize what we could have been and how good things could have been. There will be things that I do that I will think of you and when that happens I hope that I come to your mind. I hope that you will miss me as much as I will miss you. I hope that there will be some remorse in you about how all of this has turned out. I don't want to let go but I know I have to do this because I can't hold on forever to something that will not be there completely. I don't think it will be there completely for you with any one ever.
You know that I have and would always love you unconditionally and would make you happy.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER!
GOODBYE!
You know that I have and would always love you unconditionally and would make you happy.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER!
GOODBYE!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Plan B but God's got Plan A
I just watched a video about a couple who had lost their child and a book called Plan B by Pete Wilson. Now, I haven't read the book yet but from the messages I have heard and the pieces of the book I have heard here and there I am sure it is a great eye opening, life evaluating book. As I type out this blog I think; does God have a plan B or was this the plan from the get go and I just put in place things that I wanted. Here is where I am going with this.
You see, I am a teacher and I have a test that will determine my job for next year, if I pass the test I keep my job, if I do not pass the test then come June 30th I will be terminated. So, here is what I think. Please don't get me wrong I absolutely love teaching and I love my students; yes even the ones that are or can be ill behaved. I think sometimes why I haven't passed the test I my only response has been because I am stupid. Well, maybe but after this video I am thinking of Plan B maybe this wasn't what God had in-store for me in the first place and I just took a detour of what I wanted to do. Finally God maybe saying "Jenny, you have done what you wanted and I have let you but now Plan B which was really my Plan A needs to come to fruition. I think I have said it before but I do not think I really meant it but I have said "God I need your help and whatever your will" but today I say "God if this isn't your plan A then show me and allow me to have peace with this to know you will take care of me no matter what the results". I do know that you will take care of me and provide for me as you always have, my biggest thing is I need to trust you to the utmost extinct and not think or rely on myself because obviously I will screw everything up. God stand beside me, hold my hand and give me your Plan A and never allow me to look back. I need you more than I have never realized before. I know in the end this will be a lesson learned and I pray that when the lesson is learned you will get the praise and glory from it because you are not a coincidental God but a God of purpose and from the beginning you have had a plan for my life. I want to grab hold of your plan and not mine. I want to walk in your footsteps every step of the way allowing your guidance and your steps to place me where you want me.
Jeremiah 29:11"for I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not harm you and plans to give you hope and a future."
You see, I am a teacher and I have a test that will determine my job for next year, if I pass the test I keep my job, if I do not pass the test then come June 30th I will be terminated. So, here is what I think. Please don't get me wrong I absolutely love teaching and I love my students; yes even the ones that are or can be ill behaved. I think sometimes why I haven't passed the test I my only response has been because I am stupid. Well, maybe but after this video I am thinking of Plan B maybe this wasn't what God had in-store for me in the first place and I just took a detour of what I wanted to do. Finally God maybe saying "Jenny, you have done what you wanted and I have let you but now Plan B which was really my Plan A needs to come to fruition. I think I have said it before but I do not think I really meant it but I have said "God I need your help and whatever your will" but today I say "God if this isn't your plan A then show me and allow me to have peace with this to know you will take care of me no matter what the results". I do know that you will take care of me and provide for me as you always have, my biggest thing is I need to trust you to the utmost extinct and not think or rely on myself because obviously I will screw everything up. God stand beside me, hold my hand and give me your Plan A and never allow me to look back. I need you more than I have never realized before. I know in the end this will be a lesson learned and I pray that when the lesson is learned you will get the praise and glory from it because you are not a coincidental God but a God of purpose and from the beginning you have had a plan for my life. I want to grab hold of your plan and not mine. I want to walk in your footsteps every step of the way allowing your guidance and your steps to place me where you want me.
Jeremiah 29:11"for I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not harm you and plans to give you hope and a future."
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Heart broken!
It has been a while since I last blogged and have wanted to for some time now. So, here I am back at it.
Today as I sit in-front of this computer my heart aches for several different reasons. Where do I begin? I will start with the feeling of being helpless. A while back, maybe two years ago, I got some news about a friend of mine and for the past 8months or so it has been heavy on my heart. I don't know what to say, or even what to do, I just want to fix everything and make it ok. I feel helpless and I don't like this feeling. I have recently thought about joining a group to raise money and have since started the effort/process. I want to visit my friend but I don't want to break down when I see him, I know myself all to well. I know what I have to but I need the comfort and peace of the Father to dwell within me to get through it. How do I help, how do I let him and his family know that I am here for what ever they need? I wish I had millions of trillions of dollars to fix this, to give to them, or whatever is needed. I know money is not the answer but right now I do know it would and could help. If you read this please pray for my friend and the family.
My next person on my heart is friend's mother who was diagnosed with cancer. Yesterday she went through surgery. I do not know a lot of details other than she pulled through surgery and will be in the hospital a few days. I do not like to see my friend or any one for that matter deal with such sickness. Please keep her and her family in your prayers as well. Taylor family.
Third, I found out some information that maybe I shouldnt have. I would like to be a person that never places judgement on anyone for things they have done whether past or present. God excepted me just the way I am and I hope that I am able to be as accepting as God is towards me. I really want to reach out to this person and show them the love that Christ has shown me. I know that this person needs to come back to church and I have since extended the invitation to him and I can only pray that God will bring him back to worship. We all make mistakes in life and fall hard but our heavenly Father is right there to pick us up and dust us off and hold our hands through it all never ever saying what a horrible person we are, or how could we, or what were you thinking, and he never turns his back and just walks away. Instead he extends his hand shows us unconditional love and acceptance. Why is it so hard for us to not judge others and accept them for who they are and not what they do or did? Unconditional love is what I want him to see and experience.
Lastly, just when I think all is good and possible; I let my guard down thinking it would all be ok. Wow, was I wrong. So many emotions that I had suppressed for a little while are now right back in my face. So, here is the story in short. being stood up is a horrible feeling. My first thought was, is he ok? Then I allowed my anger to build and I just want to yell but then my heart comes into play and it starts to hurt. When I finally hear something and know that he is ok, I then have the thoughts of what is wrong with me, did I say or do something wrong, did I misunderstand what was said, red into something that wasnt there. Oh well, maybe I should just go back to being me and not worrying about anything else. The past few weeks, closer to a month now, I keep hearing the verse in Genesis where God says it is not good for Adam to be allow and he created Eve to be with Adam. I know this but it is still hard to be patient. I am reminded of everything that I learned while going through the study of Esther. It is all about God's timing and him knowing what is right and when it is right. I know through all of this I am learning patience, and to trust God but there are times when I know I am weak and I just want to scream out, why?! One day I will have the answers but only when God is ready to reveal them to me.
In looking back at every thing I have just mentioned I know there is a plan for each and every life. The hard part is being able to share with everyone that there is a lesson learned from all of this, even in sickness. Showing people how to have faith and trust that God is in control is probably harder than any thing else. So, if you are reading this I have a list of prayer requests.
Healing from cancer and ALS
Peace, Comfort, Grace, Love
Acceptance
Patience
wisdom
faith
boldness
courage
letting go
work-test (personally for me)
Today as I sit in-front of this computer my heart aches for several different reasons. Where do I begin? I will start with the feeling of being helpless. A while back, maybe two years ago, I got some news about a friend of mine and for the past 8months or so it has been heavy on my heart. I don't know what to say, or even what to do, I just want to fix everything and make it ok. I feel helpless and I don't like this feeling. I have recently thought about joining a group to raise money and have since started the effort/process. I want to visit my friend but I don't want to break down when I see him, I know myself all to well. I know what I have to but I need the comfort and peace of the Father to dwell within me to get through it. How do I help, how do I let him and his family know that I am here for what ever they need? I wish I had millions of trillions of dollars to fix this, to give to them, or whatever is needed. I know money is not the answer but right now I do know it would and could help. If you read this please pray for my friend and the family.
My next person on my heart is friend's mother who was diagnosed with cancer. Yesterday she went through surgery. I do not know a lot of details other than she pulled through surgery and will be in the hospital a few days. I do not like to see my friend or any one for that matter deal with such sickness. Please keep her and her family in your prayers as well. Taylor family.
Third, I found out some information that maybe I shouldnt have. I would like to be a person that never places judgement on anyone for things they have done whether past or present. God excepted me just the way I am and I hope that I am able to be as accepting as God is towards me. I really want to reach out to this person and show them the love that Christ has shown me. I know that this person needs to come back to church and I have since extended the invitation to him and I can only pray that God will bring him back to worship. We all make mistakes in life and fall hard but our heavenly Father is right there to pick us up and dust us off and hold our hands through it all never ever saying what a horrible person we are, or how could we, or what were you thinking, and he never turns his back and just walks away. Instead he extends his hand shows us unconditional love and acceptance. Why is it so hard for us to not judge others and accept them for who they are and not what they do or did? Unconditional love is what I want him to see and experience.
Lastly, just when I think all is good and possible; I let my guard down thinking it would all be ok. Wow, was I wrong. So many emotions that I had suppressed for a little while are now right back in my face. So, here is the story in short. being stood up is a horrible feeling. My first thought was, is he ok? Then I allowed my anger to build and I just want to yell but then my heart comes into play and it starts to hurt. When I finally hear something and know that he is ok, I then have the thoughts of what is wrong with me, did I say or do something wrong, did I misunderstand what was said, red into something that wasnt there. Oh well, maybe I should just go back to being me and not worrying about anything else. The past few weeks, closer to a month now, I keep hearing the verse in Genesis where God says it is not good for Adam to be allow and he created Eve to be with Adam. I know this but it is still hard to be patient. I am reminded of everything that I learned while going through the study of Esther. It is all about God's timing and him knowing what is right and when it is right. I know through all of this I am learning patience, and to trust God but there are times when I know I am weak and I just want to scream out, why?! One day I will have the answers but only when God is ready to reveal them to me.
In looking back at every thing I have just mentioned I know there is a plan for each and every life. The hard part is being able to share with everyone that there is a lesson learned from all of this, even in sickness. Showing people how to have faith and trust that God is in control is probably harder than any thing else. So, if you are reading this I have a list of prayer requests.
Healing from cancer and ALS
Peace, Comfort, Grace, Love
Acceptance
Patience
wisdom
faith
boldness
courage
letting go
work-test (personally for me)
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
An Opportunity!
I think as Christians we always want that opportunity to share Christ with someone. There are times when we leave from some where and kick ourselves for never saying a word to that person about God. Well, today the opportunity was before me. I had a student ask "why do we have Christmas?" I didn't hesitate and just went right into explaining that Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. She then asked where Santa Claus fit in. So, I pulled up some information and explained that as well. I also explained the that candy cane story which got into the virgin birth, sin and how Christ died for the sins of the world. The white was for purity and the red stripes were for the beating that Jesus took.
Let me back up for a second. The first thing was my students had a journal entry that read " What is the ultimate gift?" One student asked if I had ever heard the song Mary Did You Know, and I explained that it was my favorite Christmas song. He came over and sat by me and told me that he was singing that song on Sunday at his church. I asked if it would bother him if I came to hear him sing, so Sunday I will go to Hope Baptist Church to hear my student sing Mary Did You Know. Several of the students were asking what kind of song it was, so I pulled it up and played it for them. I think that is what prompted the question of Why do we have Christmas.
I am grateful for the opportunity to share with my students.
Let me back up for a second. The first thing was my students had a journal entry that read " What is the ultimate gift?" One student asked if I had ever heard the song Mary Did You Know, and I explained that it was my favorite Christmas song. He came over and sat by me and told me that he was singing that song on Sunday at his church. I asked if it would bother him if I came to hear him sing, so Sunday I will go to Hope Baptist Church to hear my student sing Mary Did You Know. Several of the students were asking what kind of song it was, so I pulled it up and played it for them. I think that is what prompted the question of Why do we have Christmas.
I am grateful for the opportunity to share with my students.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Getting Older
I am not saying this because I want sympathy or wishes but my birthday is coming up next Friday and I am so not happy about it. Please do not get me wrong I am so grategul that God has blessed me with another year of life but I am so frustrated with where I am not that it is making me depressed. I do not think I have ever suffered or have dealt with depression but I am and feel that I have been since the end of the school year. This stinks. Let me explain where I am going with this and why I feel the way that I feel.
I have always dreamt of being married and having children. I remember has a child talking about when I would get married and when I would have my first child. Yes, I know we can not predetermine when all these things will take place but most girls dream these ideas. I wanted to get married at the age of 25 and have my first child at the age of 27. Well, none of this has happened. I will be turning 35 and I ask the question why have I wanted this and never had the chance to experience it. I walk down the halls of my school (where I teach) and see young girls pregnant and I ask, "God, why are they able to have a kid and I am not?" then my heart starts to feel heavy. Yes, I know it is a consequence for their actions and they are going about it the worng way but still, come on. I go to the mall or out to dinner and I see couples holding hands or with their arms around each other, and ask, "why am I not in a relationship?" I want to have that relationship. I have always said that I am not settling and I am rethinking that, almost the right time the right place. No lectures please! I am frustrated with my self and God, why won't he give this to me, what haven't I done for him to not to allow me to be in a relationship and have children? I am tired of people telling me you are still young you can have children even after 40, no I won't. I do not want to be older and have children for many reasons. I have thought about adopting but I do not think it is fair to the child because it is difficult as a single parent to raise and child and it is not fair to me because I wouldn't have the support needed to raise a child. Plus, a child needs both a mom and a dad. Could I raise a child on my own, more than likely but again I want my child to have both parents. So, when I see children my heart breaks because I long to have a family of my own. When I am with my family and their children are around I am sad because I do not get to experience this. I think I have finally come to realize that I am not having children and I am some what ok with that thought, but it still hurts at times.
As far as not having a spouse; there are days that I am grateful I am still single but then there are the days that I would like to come home and have someone there. When I have had a bad day it; would be nice to have a shoulder to lean on or the arms that will hold you. When tragedy takes place is when I want this more than ever. A friend called me the other day to check on me, which I was having a horrible day but wouldn't express it to him. He continued to ask and finally I said to him, "I have learned to deal with stress, and everything else on my own, so telling you is not going to do any good." This was wrong, I should have opened up but I couldn't. I know that I have friends and family that are there for me but it is different. I want all that comes with beng in a relationship. I want the right relationship, a man that is going to love me no matter what, that will be there for me in all situations, that will drop whatever so that he can be there for me. WHY DON'T I HAVE THIS?????? I feel like I am at a point in my life that this is the next thing. So, where is he? No one has answers for me and I dont really expect any one to give me an answer or to even say they understand what I am feeling. No, you may be in the same situation but I really don't think you know what or how I am feeling.
Sorry, I know I have some what vented but this is some times good for me. The verse below maybe taken out of context but this is a verse that people hve told me over the years. Ok, well if God gave me this desire (and I do at times believe that) then why am I so unhappy about not being in a relationship? Why can't I accept the fact that if he gave me this desore then eventually it will happen? Well, I don't know and I am sure you don't either. Here is one last thought. Maybe it is not God's plan for me to get married and have children but then I ask why do I want to be married to badly if children are not in the picture. Why do most people get married?, because they want to have sex or because they have to get married. Oh yeah, and that they love each other, which is very rare these days. I will shout it to the roof top, I WANT TO BE MARRIED TO A WONDERFUL MAN!!!!!!!!
Then I am reminded of this verse and even though it really doesn't help I have to remember that He is in control and I am not. It is still frustrating. Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart
I have always dreamt of being married and having children. I remember has a child talking about when I would get married and when I would have my first child. Yes, I know we can not predetermine when all these things will take place but most girls dream these ideas. I wanted to get married at the age of 25 and have my first child at the age of 27. Well, none of this has happened. I will be turning 35 and I ask the question why have I wanted this and never had the chance to experience it. I walk down the halls of my school (where I teach) and see young girls pregnant and I ask, "God, why are they able to have a kid and I am not?" then my heart starts to feel heavy. Yes, I know it is a consequence for their actions and they are going about it the worng way but still, come on. I go to the mall or out to dinner and I see couples holding hands or with their arms around each other, and ask, "why am I not in a relationship?" I want to have that relationship. I have always said that I am not settling and I am rethinking that, almost the right time the right place. No lectures please! I am frustrated with my self and God, why won't he give this to me, what haven't I done for him to not to allow me to be in a relationship and have children? I am tired of people telling me you are still young you can have children even after 40, no I won't. I do not want to be older and have children for many reasons. I have thought about adopting but I do not think it is fair to the child because it is difficult as a single parent to raise and child and it is not fair to me because I wouldn't have the support needed to raise a child. Plus, a child needs both a mom and a dad. Could I raise a child on my own, more than likely but again I want my child to have both parents. So, when I see children my heart breaks because I long to have a family of my own. When I am with my family and their children are around I am sad because I do not get to experience this. I think I have finally come to realize that I am not having children and I am some what ok with that thought, but it still hurts at times.
As far as not having a spouse; there are days that I am grateful I am still single but then there are the days that I would like to come home and have someone there. When I have had a bad day it; would be nice to have a shoulder to lean on or the arms that will hold you. When tragedy takes place is when I want this more than ever. A friend called me the other day to check on me, which I was having a horrible day but wouldn't express it to him. He continued to ask and finally I said to him, "I have learned to deal with stress, and everything else on my own, so telling you is not going to do any good." This was wrong, I should have opened up but I couldn't. I know that I have friends and family that are there for me but it is different. I want all that comes with beng in a relationship. I want the right relationship, a man that is going to love me no matter what, that will be there for me in all situations, that will drop whatever so that he can be there for me. WHY DON'T I HAVE THIS?????? I feel like I am at a point in my life that this is the next thing. So, where is he? No one has answers for me and I dont really expect any one to give me an answer or to even say they understand what I am feeling. No, you may be in the same situation but I really don't think you know what or how I am feeling.
Sorry, I know I have some what vented but this is some times good for me. The verse below maybe taken out of context but this is a verse that people hve told me over the years. Ok, well if God gave me this desire (and I do at times believe that) then why am I so unhappy about not being in a relationship? Why can't I accept the fact that if he gave me this desore then eventually it will happen? Well, I don't know and I am sure you don't either. Here is one last thought. Maybe it is not God's plan for me to get married and have children but then I ask why do I want to be married to badly if children are not in the picture. Why do most people get married?, because they want to have sex or because they have to get married. Oh yeah, and that they love each other, which is very rare these days. I will shout it to the roof top, I WANT TO BE MARRIED TO A WONDERFUL MAN!!!!!!!!
Then I am reminded of this verse and even though it really doesn't help I have to remember that He is in control and I am not. It is still frustrating. Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Summers Over
Summer is quickly coming to an end and I must say this has been a summer like no other. I must say that summer started off pretty crappy and it only seemed to set the tone for the rest of the summer. Not to rehash the first part of summer (not going to) but here is how the rest of the summer went. My very first week of summer was spent at Kids Camp in Ocala, which wasn't that bad but it surely wasn't what I had experienced before during kids camp. I really don't think I was mentally or spiritually prepared to doing or going. All in all is wasn't that bad of a week. Then once I got back the next few weeks were me trying to figure out what I needed to do about work, school (masters program), completing the first semester of my masters program, ministry/church, and still dealing with the left overs from the last day of school. I was an emotional wreck. By the time July rolled around I was (or at least I thought I was) ready for our usual vacation at crescent beach for the week. Two days into the vacation I got news that really upset me and brought back some unfinished feelings (probably the best way to describe it). It is so true what people say; out of sight out of mind. That was the case for about three or four years and here comes my emotional wreck state again. Tuesday of my vacation I drove back to Jax to welcome home a very dear friend. Driving is always a way for me to clear my head and just be alone. Yes I cried a little on my way back in over this situation but yet knew I needed to just let go and forget it. As I got closer to the north side I passed an area on the highway that just truly broke me. It was the kind of broken that when you cry you can't catch your breathe. This went on for a little bit and I really tried to just let it go so that no one would know that I was upset. I spent time that day with people that are very dear to me and then finally headed back to the beach. I think I am ok now, tears or a good cry sometimes helps. The rest of the week at the beach was ok, the weather sucked which didn't make things that great, just made the week go by that much faster. Then Monday we got back from the beach I had to take a test for my certification (due to the stupid Federal Government Laws) which could determine keeping my job or not. Well, after a very long 3.5 hours of taking a test the results were not pass. I suck! This was the start of another down hill spiral. I was so upset and just wanted to crawl into a hole and be alone. I get several phone calls asking me how I did and it was all is could to do get through the conversation. So for the rest of the week I was very upset and frustrated. The next few weeks after that were me trying to figure out how to get through this and out of this situation. Yes, I had dear friends and family that were very encouraging but it didn't seem to really help. I just wanted to be alone. Then there were some things that took place around my house that would just really irritate me but yet I had no control over. Things break or wouldn't work right and the frustration escalated. Then a weekend came up where I took a drive alone and really cleared my head and started to really figure out what God and I needed to do. It is a little clear but still not sure how it will all pan out or how I will affect the situation and outcome. The past two messages that I have heard through Celebration Church have really given me some answers and I am in the process of releasing and taking steps in the right direction. Last night when I finally went to bed I didn't turn the TV on, instead I layed there in the dark and silence and just listened and talked with God. I have missed that. I mainly prayed for friends and their situations and that God would use me. Then I drifted off to sleep and rested the best I have all summer.
So, a summer of lots of frustrations and tears. June through the first week of August I was in the valley, having what most people would call a pitty party, and now by the grace of God I am slowly climbing my way back to the mountain top. Last weekend I wish I would have had the song " I'm coming back to the heart of worship" but I found another song by Chris Tomlin that was just a good and really helped me to release. I now have to talk with a few people but I am comfortable because I know that this is what God wants me to do and where I should be. I didn't realize until the last few months how important being a part of ministry is, I have felt lost and I am ready to get back to being a part of God's plan. This hasn't been an easy summer but it definitely has been a summer of learning and growth. I have a test to take and pass which the third time is a charm. LOL! I will be ok through it no matter the outcome. I am ready to move forward. So, sadly enough , you may want to have me checked out, I am some what ready to get started back to a routine and this journey that God has waiting for me.
As I close this summer in the next two days I am prepared to take on what is placed before me. I may fail but I know that God will pick me back up, dust me off and set me on my way again. There is no turning back and honestly I don't want to.
If you are reading this please keep me in your prayers. If I may be so bold to ask here are some specifics you can pray for:
1. I pass this test.
2. That I share my faith with my students and truly minister to them
3. That God will use me at school more than he ever has before
4. The ministry I step into
5. God would use me to be a good friend
6. Words to speak (encouraging)
7. Boldness
8. Patience
9. Health
10. 2unspoken
God, you have truly taken me from frustrations to excitement. Thank you for not giving up on me and for loving me unconditionally. Help me to carry this kind of love to people that cross my path every day. Amen!
So, a summer of lots of frustrations and tears. June through the first week of August I was in the valley, having what most people would call a pitty party, and now by the grace of God I am slowly climbing my way back to the mountain top. Last weekend I wish I would have had the song " I'm coming back to the heart of worship" but I found another song by Chris Tomlin that was just a good and really helped me to release. I now have to talk with a few people but I am comfortable because I know that this is what God wants me to do and where I should be. I didn't realize until the last few months how important being a part of ministry is, I have felt lost and I am ready to get back to being a part of God's plan. This hasn't been an easy summer but it definitely has been a summer of learning and growth. I have a test to take and pass which the third time is a charm. LOL! I will be ok through it no matter the outcome. I am ready to move forward. So, sadly enough , you may want to have me checked out, I am some what ready to get started back to a routine and this journey that God has waiting for me.
As I close this summer in the next two days I am prepared to take on what is placed before me. I may fail but I know that God will pick me back up, dust me off and set me on my way again. There is no turning back and honestly I don't want to.
If you are reading this please keep me in your prayers. If I may be so bold to ask here are some specifics you can pray for:
1. I pass this test.
2. That I share my faith with my students and truly minister to them
3. That God will use me at school more than he ever has before
4. The ministry I step into
5. God would use me to be a good friend
6. Words to speak (encouraging)
7. Boldness
8. Patience
9. Health
10. 2unspoken
God, you have truly taken me from frustrations to excitement. Thank you for not giving up on me and for loving me unconditionally. Help me to carry this kind of love to people that cross my path every day. Amen!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Summer Coming to an End
So summer is coming to an end so I thought I would reflect back. The start of summer for me was not what I wanting. (Not going to elaborate on that) Lets just say I was very sad. The first week of summer for me was spent at children's camp which was fun but yet frustrating; can't really explain why it just was. Maybe I wasn't mentally, physically, or spiritually ready for the week. The bad news just continued to come my way and I got even more frustrated. Once we were home from camp and I got some much needed sleep and really started thinking about things, which didn't make things any better. I started thinking about our vacation and just being able to relax at the beach and really take in some much needed quiet time. Nope, that didn't happen. Two days into the week I was hit in the face with something that I thought I had let go of years ago but when I was face to face with it I just wanted to crawl in a hole. The rest of the week was less than eventful and I could not get the rest that I wanted. Once I got back home things really started to weigh heavy on me. I couldn't sleep which made me feel sick. I guess I had a jenny pity party for a little while. There are so many thoughts and emotions that ran through me that I didn't know what else to do. I was frustrated about different situations be it work, ministry, personal or family that I just couldn't shake. I tried to take this on myself but in the end I knew was a stupid thing to do because as always I make things worse. One morning I woke up and realized that I didn't have to go through this alone. Not only do I have friends that care about me and are the for me but most importantly I have a heavenly father that wants to help and take care of it. I have taken a step back and have realized that God will allow things in my life to make me stronger and I know that He knows what is best for me as long as I allow Him to take over and do His will in my life. I will say that through this I have not been faithful, in fact I will say that I have been anything but faithful and for that I am ashamed. I can tell others what they should do or help them seek God but when it came to me I thought that He wasn't there for me. I know this is wrong and even when I wasn't wanting to listen he was right there trying to tell me to trust him and that every thing was going to be ok. I wont say that every day is easy and that I don't think about things that have taken place but I have to remember that this is all taking place for a reason and I have to trust God in all things. Going through a hard time, seek God and he will get you through it.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Last Day of School!
Just before the end of the day our school was filled with sadness. The news of a horrible accident turned into a complete nightmare. Several of our students got together and planned a day at the beach for the last day of school little did they know it would change their lives forever. As the news continued to come in students had started to name names and one name given was a student of mine and another I knew from seeing him in the halls. At this point I was upset but wanting to know more and students at this point knew a lot but not 100% on who or how this all happened. I then received a phone call from one of the teachers that one of my students was in the accident and killed, this is hard. I tried not to cry because I still had students in my room and I needed to be strong for them (that was a wrong thought). As they left out of my room at 11:30 I began to cry and one of the guys leaving asked Ms. Smith are you sad? I should have spoke to them to let them know how I felt about the horrible accident and that I was sad and upset. As the bell rang Mr. Clark announced a mandatory faculty meeting, at this point I was shacking and had several text messages asking questions and letting me know they were praying for me. I get into our meeting and Mr. Clark starts of by not wanting to say the names of the students involved but I knew if he didn't I would be able to do anything else, so he decided to tell us the names of the students involved. I wont mention the names but you can go to news4jax and find that yourselves. The driver discharged tonight was a student of mine and I am so hurting for him right now, I cant imagine how he feels about all of this, his girl friend also in the accident is still in critical condition. The next name was a boy, who did not survive the accident, that I would see out in the halls in front of my room, I will always remember his Georgia hat, Georgia t-shirt and flip flops even when it was cold, he was a very polite young man. The next name was another student of mine. I couldn't hold it in any longer, I started to cry, but tried the best I could to hold it in until I got alone in my room. The other names that were mentioned I did not know who they were but am still just as broken up over them as I am for the ones that I knew. I cant begin to process how these parents are feeling right now, or what the driver is feeling. What do you say to the parents, what do you say to the students who survived, how to you share with the students who will return to school in August? I feel like I am stuck in a box and I my hands are tied, I don't know what to do or even to say. I have so many emotions,thoughts and feelings at times I just want to cry other times I want to through something. They were so young, is a statement that has been repeated. I know God has a bigger plan from all of this and I pray that students will learn the importance of safety.
Here is my challenge to those who read this. Please always remember your seat belt even if you are going a short distance. Parent tell your children you love them, hug them, spend time with them, and have not moments of regret. I will forever have the memory of these students in my thoughts and am truly broken over this whole thing. May God comfort the families and those students that survived as well as the friends as well as other teachers of these students.
Here is my challenge to those who read this. Please always remember your seat belt even if you are going a short distance. Parent tell your children you love them, hug them, spend time with them, and have not moments of regret. I will forever have the memory of these students in my thoughts and am truly broken over this whole thing. May God comfort the families and those students that survived as well as the friends as well as other teachers of these students.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Transition and Change
You know a few years ago I absolutely hated change but over the last five years it seems to be my motto. I have changed schools, subject areas, classrooms, houses twice, and now in ministry. I have been praying for a while now where God wanted me to be. I knew that I couldn't continue to work with the youth for many reasons. I have been a part of the youth ministry at PL for 7 years now and have loved every minute of what God has done in my life. I could write a book about how God has touched my life over the last 7 years. If it wasn't for Mike Lewis and the encouragement and prayer from others I might not have gotten through the general knowledge exam. If it wasn't for the support of close friends and much needed prayer and support there is a lot that I don't think I would have gotten through.I am so thankful to Tommy Mallard for holding my grandmothers funeral and for being there for my family and to Kevin who was there as well. Also, for the hospital visits that you both made while she was in the hospital. Words can't express thank you enough for that. Many people set the example of truly living the Christian life and what it meant to follow Christ and for that I am very grateful. I have memories that will be with me forever and I know that I will look back over the years and laugh. I wonder at times where my life would be if it wasn't for the members and love that was expressed over the years. I never thought I would teach a group of girls about different very tough topics, there was one that I remember as if it were yesterday, I had never experience God the way that I did during that time. Then the opportunities to attend conferences and camps and minister to the youth. I have been touched by the lives of these young people as well as encouraged to see the faith that they have. I cant begin to say how grateful I am to be allowed the opportunity and privilege to be a part of an awesome ministry and church. With the direction from God I feel that it is time for me to step out of the youth and see what God has for me next. I know a little over a year ago God gave me a vision about speaking to females about who we are in Christ and how he sees us. Maybe that is the next step and what God wants me to do. I am not sure of the next step but I know this is what I need to do. So many thoughts and emotions but I do know that this is what God is calling me to do because I have a peace about stepping out. I have told some of the students and will make it known to all, I am still available if they need anything. I love those students as if they were my own children. So, you see over the years I have experienced change in my life and some times that change is what is needed for God to be at work in my life and in the lives of others.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Mission Trip
There are a few blogs that I enjoy reading and two of the people's blogs I read are apart of a team going to India for the next ten days. Please join me in praying for these people while they are gone.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Don't Judge a Book by It's Cover!
I am sure many of you will be ready about the same person in a variety of ways over the next few days but I have to put my two sense in to this one. Here is a thought before I get into the meat of this blog. What does it mean to you when you hear some one say "Dont judge a book by it's cover!"? There are so many different reactions I have to this and I have said but yet done the same thing. We look at appearance and misjudge who that person is completely. Let me explain. Last night on Britain's Got Talent an older lady (age 47) gets out on stage and says she wants to sing, just about everyone in the audience laughed as well as the judges. She sang I Dreamed a Dream and when the first sound was heard every one was in awe. They couldnt believe that someone that looked like this could sound so good, could have a voice so beautiful. Every one in the audience was on their feet applauding and cheering for her. She finished the song strong and got the highest rated of three yeses.
Here is the point to this, and I am just as guilty. We look at the outward and say because of the way they look: clothes, hair, teeth, skin color, size, eyes, fashion or not, shoes, just the over all appearance and say there is no way they can to that, or I am not going to be seen with that person. BUT what we are missing is what they are filled with. We havent even given them the chance to see what they are capable of what really is on the inside because we are so self centered that we care more about appearance than we do ability. Sadly enough we judge a person for appearance in every situation. I am not going to speak to that person they look weird, I am not going to move over to the empty seat for them to sit by me did you see what she has on, I am not going to go to dinner with that person he/she smells funny, etc. I could go on with these excuses but in actuality they could be the next what ever and even if they are not why are we judging them for what they look like and not considering the heart at all. Guys and girls only date those popular people, fashionable, looks good on the outside what people like to call eye candy kinda stuff. Yes, I agree we like to be attracted to the person but isnt it really the heart of a person that is most attractive, shouldnt we consider the heart first and then every thing else should fall into place. Shouldnt we get to know them before we ever say no they cant do that, I cant date them, or what ever the reason is that they just wont work out. But at least you first gave them the chance and got to know them. Who knows maybe by doing this you could meet your soul mate, the next CEO of a company, the next American Idol, the next Apprentice, the next America's Top Model but we first looked at the inside and gave them a chance.
The next time you see someone that isnt up to your standards by the way of appearance stop and think about Susan Boyle, who will probably become a famous singer now, and how she was judge by her appearance and once she sang it was absolutely a beautiful sounding voice. A judge made the state "our sinful actions" wrongly judging someone. I hope the next time we start to judge someone for the way they look we will stop and correct ourselves and at give them a chance. Isnt that what Jesus did for us. He didnt say man look at the sin in their life, or she is ugly, or stupid, or fat, or too thin, or they dont have the up to date clothes, no he said Romans 10:13 " For all who call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved" no you didnt read to say any thing else but ALL. Thank God he doesnt save us according to our lives or our standards because we would never be saved because of how ugly we all are and how sinful we are.
Matthew 7: 1-2"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
Here is the point to this, and I am just as guilty. We look at the outward and say because of the way they look: clothes, hair, teeth, skin color, size, eyes, fashion or not, shoes, just the over all appearance and say there is no way they can to that, or I am not going to be seen with that person. BUT what we are missing is what they are filled with. We havent even given them the chance to see what they are capable of what really is on the inside because we are so self centered that we care more about appearance than we do ability. Sadly enough we judge a person for appearance in every situation. I am not going to speak to that person they look weird, I am not going to move over to the empty seat for them to sit by me did you see what she has on, I am not going to go to dinner with that person he/she smells funny, etc. I could go on with these excuses but in actuality they could be the next what ever and even if they are not why are we judging them for what they look like and not considering the heart at all. Guys and girls only date those popular people, fashionable, looks good on the outside what people like to call eye candy kinda stuff. Yes, I agree we like to be attracted to the person but isnt it really the heart of a person that is most attractive, shouldnt we consider the heart first and then every thing else should fall into place. Shouldnt we get to know them before we ever say no they cant do that, I cant date them, or what ever the reason is that they just wont work out. But at least you first gave them the chance and got to know them. Who knows maybe by doing this you could meet your soul mate, the next CEO of a company, the next American Idol, the next Apprentice, the next America's Top Model but we first looked at the inside and gave them a chance.
The next time you see someone that isnt up to your standards by the way of appearance stop and think about Susan Boyle, who will probably become a famous singer now, and how she was judge by her appearance and once she sang it was absolutely a beautiful sounding voice. A judge made the state "our sinful actions" wrongly judging someone. I hope the next time we start to judge someone for the way they look we will stop and correct ourselves and at give them a chance. Isnt that what Jesus did for us. He didnt say man look at the sin in their life, or she is ugly, or stupid, or fat, or too thin, or they dont have the up to date clothes, no he said Romans 10:13 " For all who call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved" no you didnt read to say any thing else but ALL. Thank God he doesnt save us according to our lives or our standards because we would never be saved because of how ugly we all are and how sinful we are.
Matthew 7: 1-2"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
Monday, April 13, 2009
A new Program
When I graduated from college about 6 years ago I didnt think I would go back and get my masters although I have thought about being a dean (assistant Principal) one day. Cant do one with having a masters degree in Ed Leadership. Back in January I started the process of filling out an application to Saint Leo University which will hold an off site class here at EW. What better opportunity than this to be able to get my masters. I have prayed hard about this and talked with different people on whether or not this was a good idea. Here are the thoughts I have. To advance in education I need to have my masters, it is not so much getting paid more but the fact that I would be able to advance in my role of being a teacher. I after really asking my self why and right an essay about why I wanted to in the Ed Leadership program I realized the contact I would have with a variety of students. Who knows maybe after I get this I wont be cut out to actually do this type of work but I do believe that God has opened the doors for me to further my education. I must say I am very scared about the work that I will have to do and the research that will go with it. I got all the finalization last week about being admitted into the program along with my financial aide information. I was excited but yet wondering why I decided to do this because it is a lot of work. I hope I will be good at this and will finish strong with the work that is needed to be done. I start my classes May 4 with one online class and one actual face to face class. I will have 8 weeks in this class and then I will be off for the summer and start back up in August. I will be done with this program by the summer of 2011. I have searched through all other schools including Florida and UNF and didnt find anything that would work around my schedule the way this one would. I will be in class on Thursday evenings from 5-9 and still be done in 3 years. I am really doing this.
Please if you are reading this I would appreciate your prayers during this time. Here is what I would ask for you to pray about: that I would not be a procrastinator, that I would complete all assignments better than satisfactory, that I would complete this program with a high GPA, that I understand and comprehend every thing that I read and do. Finally, that when it comes time for me to take the Florida Education Leaders Exam that I pass the first time I take it. Also, that through all of the work I dont lose focus of the end goal as well as focus on God. I will be a very busy person during the semester but look forward to the challenge that is before me.
Please if you are reading this I would appreciate your prayers during this time. Here is what I would ask for you to pray about: that I would not be a procrastinator, that I would complete all assignments better than satisfactory, that I would complete this program with a high GPA, that I understand and comprehend every thing that I read and do. Finally, that when it comes time for me to take the Florida Education Leaders Exam that I pass the first time I take it. Also, that through all of the work I dont lose focus of the end goal as well as focus on God. I will be a very busy person during the semester but look forward to the challenge that is before me.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
What is wrong with me?
For the past several weeks maybe even a month now I have been in a slump. I called it the other day a disconnect. I dont know why and I dont understand it but that is what it feels like. I feel like my QT is not meaningful and that my prayers have been hitting a brick wall. So, I have felt discouraged and disconnected in many ways. I think one reason is the stress that is going on with work not knowing how things are going to go next year and having to take a test (which I hate tests) that can determine whether or not I will have a job or not. I know that God is in control and he has given me everything I need to realize this but I know my inabilities and it scares me. Well again this morning through twitter the ESV verse was Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans if have for you," declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" This has been so encouraging to me.
Here is another thing that I have been dealing with call me crazy but I have. Being a leader(which I really dont consider myself to be) can be very difficult but at the same time very rewarding. I have felt like I have been doing this alone for so many different reason,weird I know because there are many great leaders that I work with but for some reason I dont feel like I should be there or that like I am not apart of things. I read this blog today that somewhat made sense to me about how I have been feeling. www.withoutwax.tv Transformal Leadership (I recommend reading it) I know that I am not really alone but yet I am. No one thinks like I do, no one has the desire that I do. Well, let me explain that. Every ones passion and desire are different. We may love the students and want to see them living a God filled life but everyone thinks differently and has different passions for the students. Maybe you get it better than I am explaining it. Any way, I dont think there is anything wrong with me. Someone else told me that feeling a little disconnected is some thing that everyone goes through. I want this to be done with and I dont ever want to feel this way again. Here is my plan and I hope God shows up for it.
Seeing that this week is only a four day week of work and Friday is good Friday I plan on spending time with God. As morbid as it sounds I know but I need to remember everything that he went through for me. So here is the challenge for me and you if you desire to take it on. Friday take the time to read God's word where ever you choose, Matthew 26 - 28 and Mark 14:27- 16, Luke 22- 24 these chapters and verses is all that took place. I know a lot of verses but look at what Jesus went through so that we can spend eternity with him. I want to take it all that in and really appreciate what Jesus did for me and try to understand how hard it was for God to watch his son be tortured for the sins that I have committed not to mention the sins of this world.
Enjoy Easter and may you be filled with the resurrected Jesus alive and sitting at the right hand of the father.
Here is another thing that I have been dealing with call me crazy but I have. Being a leader(which I really dont consider myself to be) can be very difficult but at the same time very rewarding. I have felt like I have been doing this alone for so many different reason,weird I know because there are many great leaders that I work with but for some reason I dont feel like I should be there or that like I am not apart of things. I read this blog today that somewhat made sense to me about how I have been feeling. www.withoutwax.tv Transformal Leadership (I recommend reading it) I know that I am not really alone but yet I am. No one thinks like I do, no one has the desire that I do. Well, let me explain that. Every ones passion and desire are different. We may love the students and want to see them living a God filled life but everyone thinks differently and has different passions for the students. Maybe you get it better than I am explaining it. Any way, I dont think there is anything wrong with me. Someone else told me that feeling a little disconnected is some thing that everyone goes through. I want this to be done with and I dont ever want to feel this way again. Here is my plan and I hope God shows up for it.
Seeing that this week is only a four day week of work and Friday is good Friday I plan on spending time with God. As morbid as it sounds I know but I need to remember everything that he went through for me. So here is the challenge for me and you if you desire to take it on. Friday take the time to read God's word where ever you choose, Matthew 26 - 28 and Mark 14:27- 16, Luke 22- 24 these chapters and verses is all that took place. I know a lot of verses but look at what Jesus went through so that we can spend eternity with him. I want to take it all that in and really appreciate what Jesus did for me and try to understand how hard it was for God to watch his son be tortured for the sins that I have committed not to mention the sins of this world.
Enjoy Easter and may you be filled with the resurrected Jesus alive and sitting at the right hand of the father.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Ask and you shall receive
Well, a while ago I blogged about Red Birds. Let me update you on a few things. This last month I feel has been pretty stressful. I really felt alone in such a big world. For a while I was begging God to show me a red bird because I needed to make sure he was still there. Well, days, weeks and over a month had gone by and I hadnt seen the red bird and so I said, "Ok God when I least expect it you will allow me to see one." That is exactly what he did. I had been given some information and I didnt really know what to do with the info or how I should respond but this is what I did. I prayed and asked God to show me how I should respond or react. The very next day I was driving my aunt to pick up her truck and as I drove down my road the in front of me was a red bird. I got goose bumps from head to toe and I was so grateful that God would reveal this to me at such a perfect time. God is amazing and he knows exactly when to show things and allow things to happen.
A quick explanation of the red bird. A while back (several years)I really wanted to make sure that being married and having a family was a desire from God. SO, I prayed and asked God that if this was his plan in my life eventually I wanted to see a red bird. It didnt happen right away but I did see a red bird and I trust that God will provide this. It is a way for me to remember that God is right there with me always and he hears my prayers and requests. I desire to be married and have a family one day but more importantly is that God's will in my life is evident. I praise God every day that I am single because of what God allows me to do. One day God will provde me with a husband and I trust that he has the perfect one already picked out for me.
A quick explanation of the red bird. A while back (several years)I really wanted to make sure that being married and having a family was a desire from God. SO, I prayed and asked God that if this was his plan in my life eventually I wanted to see a red bird. It didnt happen right away but I did see a red bird and I trust that God will provide this. It is a way for me to remember that God is right there with me always and he hears my prayers and requests. I desire to be married and have a family one day but more importantly is that God's will in my life is evident. I praise God every day that I am single because of what God allows me to do. One day God will provde me with a husband and I trust that he has the perfect one already picked out for me.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Recap of the week!
As I blogged earlier, a week ago I received a notice about not being highly qualified and that meant my job was in jeopardy. As always, I panicked and that didn't help matters. I stressed all weekend and by Monday I was very upset and concerned as to what would happen with my job. I called downtown to speak with someone in certification and her response just made things worse. Take a test me and two of them. There is no way I can do this especially with the pressure now on. So, all day I was made upset, stressed and frustrated. So, texting all of this and posting on facebook, I knew I had people praying about this for me. (For those of you who were praying for me, God answered your prayers and I am so grateful for friends like you, so thank you for praying for me) Tuesday morning I woke up and felt horrible and stupid. That morning before I got up to start the day I just apologized to God that I didn't trust him enough to take care of this. I gave this situation over to him and said "God you put me in the position of teaching and if this is your plan then you will guide me through this." Well, I must say he has. Yesterday I was going over a few things and I started looking over the material to study. I have been talking with one of the teachers and she was dealing with the same thing and the information she was given was completely different from what I was given. Today, I get a phone call about HQ (highly qualified) and she forwarded an email to me for me to fill out. Now all I need is for my principal to sign off on it and fax it off. God has been working this out the entire time. Even when I didn't allow him to have control he was still working it out. I feel bad that God wasn't the first that I went to and that I tried to do this on my own. The next time a trial is in front of me I hope I am reminded quickly just how much God loves me and will guide me through the situation.
During this whole thing I have been reading the book called The Shack. Wow, I love this book. It has opened my eyes to so many different emotions. I will blog about it later but just wanted to share briefly about this week. God is good. Trust in Him.
Again thank you to those who have been praying for me.
During this whole thing I have been reading the book called The Shack. Wow, I love this book. It has opened my eyes to so many different emotions. I will blog about it later but just wanted to share briefly about this week. God is good. Trust in Him.
Again thank you to those who have been praying for me.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Frustration/Stressed
ok, I guess this will be a time to vent. As you know I am a teacher at a local high school. Every one is still not sure about cuts and how the budget situation will effect us individually or even as a department. I have over the past few weeks said I wasn't concerned I would be fine only because of the certification that I hold. I trusted that God would take care of this and I wouldn't worry about it, even if it meant taking a pay cut. Well, Friday I got notification that I am not considered "highly qualified" by the No Child Left Behind Law. I hold a teacher certificate for Special Education but I at this point not qualified because I do not have a certification for a cor subject area. I spoke with someone downtown today and they advised me that I would need to take two different tests, which are $75 dollars each. I got really upset then. I really didn't understand how or why this effected me the way that it did. I have been teaching for 5 years and have never been notified of this before now. Oh by the way I have until June 30 to pass the required test. I do not test well and with the pressure that I have now I am not feeling confident at all. I pulled off the testing guide for the three different tests I am considering taking and now I feel very inadequate to take these tests. I have never taken math higher than algebra I and this will include geometry. I have thought about asking another math teacher to work with me but I am not sure about that. I don't know how all of this will work out and I am clueless as to what will happen to me. I don't like uncertainty and the feeling of hopelessness (only in this situation). I know the right thing is to trust in God but at this point I am looking at my inadequacies. I am thinking I don't have what it takes to take and pass this test. I don't know what to do or even the first step to solving this problem. With every thing that education is facing I feel like this is one more thing that keeps us from teaching. When I was in college trying to pass the Math part of the CLAST it took me a few chances before actually passed it, and I must admit that all of those thoughts and memories are rushing through my brain. I don't like this feeling. So, if you are reading I beg for your prayers through all of this. Here are some specifics: that I get a test date soon, that I am able to study and retain all that I study, that I pass this the first time I take it and through this all I don't give up/get even more frustrated/lose my testimony or my temper. I think at this point my biggest concern is, is this really what God wants me to do! I feel confused, frustrated and stupid. I love teaching and do not want to lose my job but the obstacles are being through at me and this one seems to be harder for me to cross than the rest of them.
Just when you feel a sense of rest, trust, and contentment. Not boasting but I even felt a little closer to God. Another test/trial and at this point I am failing miserably. I feel like I am back up against a wall with no where to go. I know in the end God will have taught me something through this, I am ready to learn my lesson and be done with it.
Just when you feel a sense of rest, trust, and contentment. Not boasting but I even felt a little closer to God. Another test/trial and at this point I am failing miserably. I feel like I am back up against a wall with no where to go. I know in the end God will have taught me something through this, I am ready to learn my lesson and be done with it.
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